Life lessons

The M word

M stands for marriage.

I cannot help but wonder — why is marriage considered to be such an essential step in life? During my recent trip to India, I did get asked the question… so when am I planning on settling down? I did answer to a couple of people that I am settled down — I have a house, a job, good friends, a content life. But apparently that wasn’t what they meant by “settling down”. And they said so. I told them I didn’t need a man to settle down [even though I have one] and that I wasn’t interested in getting married at the moment. And of course, I got responses like “how can you say that?” and “you need to let your parents complete their duties and be happy” and the like. [I’ll write a whole other post on the parental duties thing later!]

And it’s not just the elders. People my age too think marriage is an essential step. A married friend asked me if I was planning on getting married at least by 30-32 years. I said I had no such plans and would take life as it comes. She was shocked. Another friend told me he was being pressured by his parents now that he is 28 and since he doesn’t have a girlfriend, he has given them the nod to find someone. He also said that other friends are being pressured in the same way and some are in the process of going through the step.  Yet another friend is surprised when I tell her I’m perfectly happy to be in a defacto relationship as against getting married. Or when I say that marriage is just signing a piece of paper.

Once again, it’s not just in India where marriage is considered oh-so-important. True, the age of marriage is a lot earlier (and I am way over the hill there!) But my friends here too (all Australian of different ethnicities) want to get married some day. It doesn’t matter if they are single now or seeing someone…marriage is the ultimate thing. An article in the paper last month shows that more and more young Australians are thinking of marriage as something they must do by 40 and have a back-up plan as well.

What is it about marriage? It can’t just be the companionship of another person because you can get that with a defacto relationship. Yet, it is marriage that is sold. Not defacto relationships. It can’t be about having children because you can have children out of wedlock and in a defacto relationship. And come to think of it, here at least the legalities around both relationships are pretty similar. Yet, the wedding industry in Australia makes big bucks…people spend at least a whole year’s income on a wedding [For what, I ask? One day?]. All the American TV shows that I can remember have a marriage to depict a ‘happily ever after’ scenario. Why can’t they depict happy unmarried people? Or even a happy defacto couple?

I remember reading some interesting posts some months ago by IHM, Richa, Shail and others on marriage being sold to women in India in glossy covers and nodding my head in agreement. Personally, I think it is sold world over in that manner. Wedding magazines. Blissful married lives (apparently). Big suburban houses. All honey-coated for men and women to get sucked in. It’s almost amusing it’s sold in this manner when divorce rates are so high! And yet, people are buying it.

So do you have an answer? Why is marriage such a big deal? 

Until next time,

Cheers!!!

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  • Reply
    BlueMist
    June 22, 2011 at 7:13 am

    I always think marriage is a choice. One should get married if one wants period. For me I always knew any other forms of relationships like live in would not have worked and hence marriage. At the same time I am sure there are people out there who believe other forms of relationships work for them. So  it is completely person specific. 

  • Reply
    BlueMist
    June 22, 2011 at 7:13 am

    I always think marriage is a choice. One should get married if one wants period. For me I always knew any other forms of relationships like live in would not have worked and hence marriage. At the same time I am sure there are people out there who believe other forms of relationships work for them. So  it is completely person specific. 

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 22, 2011 at 7:57 am

    True it is a choice but society seems to pressure people into thinking it is a necessity…a part of life. Honestly, I seem to meet a lot of people who think that if they don’t ever get married, it’s the end of the world…

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 22, 2011 at 7:57 am

    True it is a choice but society seems to pressure people into thinking it is a necessity…a part of life. Honestly, I seem to meet a lot of people who think that if they don’t ever get married, it’s the end of the world…

  • Reply
    nisha punjabi
    June 22, 2011 at 8:08 am

    Well, I dated my husband for 5 years and have been married to him since 2.5 years. I dated him secretively because you know.. how things are in some towns in India. 
    Things have changed after marriage. the relationship has grown and we’ve become much more close than ever before. We want to spend every important event together and grow old together(not that we talk like that.. its kind of understood!). We’re not sure of kids yet.. but if and whenever we will be.. it will be for the better.
    It’s much more than having a sense of security. It’s sharing, caring, being there for someone.. I can go on and on!

    And yes, I had no idea what it would be like before I got into it! so it’s a leap into the dark.. its you, your partner and a little bit of luck that determines if marriage is for you or not. i personally louveeee being married!

  • Reply
    nisha punjabi
    June 22, 2011 at 8:08 am

    Well, I dated my husband for 5 years and have been married to him since 2.5 years. I dated him secretively because you know.. how things are in some towns in India. 
    Things have changed after marriage. the relationship has grown and we’ve become much more close than ever before. We want to spend every important event together and grow old together(not that we talk like that.. its kind of understood!). We’re not sure of kids yet.. but if and whenever we will be.. it will be for the better.
    It’s much more than having a sense of security. It’s sharing, caring, being there for someone.. I can go on and on!

    And yes, I had no idea what it would be like before I got into it! so it’s a leap into the dark.. its you, your partner and a little bit of luck that determines if marriage is for you or not. i personally louveeee being married!

  • Reply
    soulmate
    June 22, 2011 at 9:06 am

    Because thats how human race has evolved and made to believe.. I am sure we know about the four ashrams that atleast we Indians follow. One of them is grahasth ashram – which means married life… Thats how the whole concept of marriage is so important. Also the fact, people think that if they are married, it means they are committed, whereas there are other means to show your commitment.. To each his own..

  • Reply
    soulmate
    June 22, 2011 at 9:06 am

    Because thats how human race has evolved and made to believe.. I am sure we know about the four ashrams that atleast we Indians follow. One of them is grahasth ashram – which means married life… Thats how the whole concept of marriage is so important. Also the fact, people think that if they are married, it means they are committed, whereas there are other means to show your commitment.. To each his own..

  • Reply
    divya nambiar
    June 22, 2011 at 9:15 am

    Marriage is a never-ending debate. Even I’d been through this phase, of questioning why I should get married, when all I see around me are couples fighting and splitting up.

    I’ve never been able to understand what the big deal about it is. I think, to a lot of people, it’s the wedding that matters more than the marriage. The chance to show off how much money they have and how many sarees.

    Like Blue Mist said, I suppose it’s a matter of choice. Earlier I used to rebel against marriage. But now that I’ve found someone, I do want to get married. Because I WANT to, not because I HAVE to.

    I know I haven’t answered your question. That’s because I don’t have one.. 🙂 I don’t think anyone has. It’ll be like one of those mysteries like Bermuda Triangle. 🙂

  • Reply
    divya nambiar
    June 22, 2011 at 9:15 am

    Marriage is a never-ending debate. Even I’d been through this phase, of questioning why I should get married, when all I see around me are couples fighting and splitting up.

    I’ve never been able to understand what the big deal about it is. I think, to a lot of people, it’s the wedding that matters more than the marriage. The chance to show off how much money they have and how many sarees.

    Like Blue Mist said, I suppose it’s a matter of choice. Earlier I used to rebel against marriage. But now that I’ve found someone, I do want to get married. Because I WANT to, not because I HAVE to.

    I know I haven’t answered your question. That’s because I don’t have one.. 🙂 I don’t think anyone has. It’ll be like one of those mysteries like Bermuda Triangle. 🙂

  • Reply
    Priyanka Victor
    June 22, 2011 at 9:18 am

    I completely get what you are trying to say.. Marriage, to almost everybody I know, is like the completion of your success in life, i.e the better/sooner you marry, the more overall success you can boast of. It’s no more about loving the person and wanting to spend the rest of our lives with them (which itself is not as rosy as portrayed). The society (read: parents, friends, relatives, neighbours, distant uncle’s brother’wife’s cousin sister from the U.S) should just let us be and not treat us like we are incomplete without a guy in tow…

  • Reply
    Priyanka Victor
    June 22, 2011 at 9:18 am

    I completely get what you are trying to say.. Marriage, to almost everybody I know, is like the completion of your success in life, i.e the better/sooner you marry, the more overall success you can boast of. It’s no more about loving the person and wanting to spend the rest of our lives with them (which itself is not as rosy as portrayed). The society (read: parents, friends, relatives, neighbours, distant uncle’s brother’wife’s cousin sister from the U.S) should just let us be and not treat us like we are incomplete without a guy in tow…

  • Reply
    Bikram
    June 22, 2011 at 9:50 am

    Well you have said the right thing, in todays materialistic world marriage is loosing the sheen, I would say one shud wait for as long till they find the right person AGE has nothing ot d owith it .. and it definitely is not the en of the wrold..

    more people are actually preferring living in, so when time comes the ycan walk away and also another trend is NO KIDS …

    Bikram’s

  • Reply
    Bikram
    June 22, 2011 at 9:50 am

    Well you have said the right thing, in todays materialistic world marriage is loosing the sheen, I would say one shud wait for as long till they find the right person AGE has nothing ot d owith it .. and it definitely is not the en of the wrold..

    more people are actually preferring living in, so when time comes the ycan walk away and also another trend is NO KIDS …

    Bikram’s

  • Reply
    Jake
    June 22, 2011 at 9:56 am

    Most people can easily be persuaded to believe that mainstream culture is right and is the only way to lead their life. Most people don’t think about the rules society imposes on us or if they are important. They seem to be pretty content on following rules set by someone else even if it does not make sense to them personally. Thats not to say that its not right , what is wrong and right in a universe thats designed to pose a threat to life and yet proclaimed to be the creation of a compassionate god ?.

    What I HATE is when mainstream culture starts questioning alternative lifestyles or anything else 
    that is not conventional. 

    -Girl turns 27 and parents start running around like a bunch of dodos with their heads cut off to find prince charming.

    -You live alone and they think you have a sad life and start telling you stuff like “i’ll pray for you”

    -You don’t believe in marriage and they judge your morality

    -You question religion and they cast you as the antichrist.

    The odd thing is most people who do not lead a conventional lifestyles don’t judge the ones who do.But its EXTREMELY rare that the vice versa is true.

    Coming back to marriage, what is it about marriage ? I think its a whole no of things

    -Its what you are told you are supposed to do so most people just follow blindly 

    -The average joe is pretty naive and probably believes in fairy tales happy endings even at 30

    -Some people just do it cuz they don’t do well alone.They need a support system to survive, its
    not even cuz they want to get married or want to live with their partner.

    -The guy wants to earn back what he spent on an expensive degree (specific to India)

    There are a lot of reasons, but more often than not its not because of the want to be with someone. I personally don’t care, its ink on a piece of paper.  I’d rather just move in with the person over a weekend instead of spending months announcing it to the world and then wasting money on a big party.

  • Reply
    Jake
    June 22, 2011 at 9:56 am

    Most people can easily be persuaded to believe that mainstream culture is right and is the only way to lead their life. Most people don’t think about the rules society imposes on us or if they are important. They seem to be pretty content on following rules set by someone else even if it does not make sense to them personally. Thats not to say that its not right , what is wrong and right in a universe thats designed to pose a threat to life and yet proclaimed to be the creation of a compassionate god ?.

    What I HATE is when mainstream culture starts questioning alternative lifestyles or anything else 
    that is not conventional. 

    -Girl turns 27 and parents start running around like a bunch of dodos with their heads cut off to find prince charming.

    -You live alone and they think you have a sad life and start telling you stuff like “i’ll pray for you”

    -You don’t believe in marriage and they judge your morality

    -You question religion and they cast you as the antichrist.

    The odd thing is most people who do not lead a conventional lifestyles don’t judge the ones who do.But its EXTREMELY rare that the vice versa is true.

    Coming back to marriage, what is it about marriage ? I think its a whole no of things

    -Its what you are told you are supposed to do so most people just follow blindly 

    -The average joe is pretty naive and probably believes in fairy tales happy endings even at 30

    -Some people just do it cuz they don’t do well alone.They need a support system to survive, its
    not even cuz they want to get married or want to live with their partner.

    -The guy wants to earn back what he spent on an expensive degree (specific to India)

    There are a lot of reasons, but more often than not its not because of the want to be with someone. I personally don’t care, its ink on a piece of paper.  I’d rather just move in with the person over a weekend instead of spending months announcing it to the world and then wasting money on a big party.

  • Reply
    Dew
    June 22, 2011 at 11:29 am

    yeah..in india..social pressure..peer pressure…family pressure presses to the core…and chokes the person to death..err until they are married.

  • Reply
    Dew
    June 22, 2011 at 11:29 am

    yeah..in india..social pressure..peer pressure…family pressure presses to the core…and chokes the person to death..err until they are married.

  • Reply
    Itisnu
    June 22, 2011 at 11:37 am

    in my opinion-marriage is necessary but not for the sake of letting parents complete their duty,because it is not good for girls to stay single,because it is a norm and things like these…

    for me marriage is an institution which anchors you in your life,gives you a life partner and provides you avenues of living a good life…

    having said that I don’t mean that singles don’t have a way of living a good life…they do too and this bring me to a point where I say-it’s individual choice..like when I’m asked I would say marriage is necessary and if this question goes to someone else they might not say the same thing..so it’s individual..also it depends on what kind of experience you’ve got of being married and unmarried-both…for example a person who is happily married might want to insist that it’s a necessary thing to do in life and the another who hasn’t been married and is happily living a single’s life might insist on being single…so there…

    also a person who is married but not happy in the wedlock might suggest friends to not get themselves in this mess…quiet possible,right?

    so it’s individual choice..I won’t agree with someone who gets married just for the sake of it or vice versa…for everything that one decides in life one has to be reasonable and sure about the choice one is making…

    also there is no ‘right’ age of getting married [of course being of minimum marriageable age is must ;)]..one is ready,settled mentally with the thought of getting married and found a person with whom s/he can spend the life is the right time for that person to get married

    getting my point? huh a whole lot of post here 😛

  • Reply
    Itisnu
    June 22, 2011 at 11:37 am

    in my opinion-marriage is necessary but not for the sake of letting parents complete their duty,because it is not good for girls to stay single,because it is a norm and things like these…

    for me marriage is an institution which anchors you in your life,gives you a life partner and provides you avenues of living a good life…

    having said that I don’t mean that singles don’t have a way of living a good life…they do too and this bring me to a point where I say-it’s individual choice..like when I’m asked I would say marriage is necessary and if this question goes to someone else they might not say the same thing..so it’s individual..also it depends on what kind of experience you’ve got of being married and unmarried-both…for example a person who is happily married might want to insist that it’s a necessary thing to do in life and the another who hasn’t been married and is happily living a single’s life might insist on being single…so there…

    also a person who is married but not happy in the wedlock might suggest friends to not get themselves in this mess…quiet possible,right?

    so it’s individual choice..I won’t agree with someone who gets married just for the sake of it or vice versa…for everything that one decides in life one has to be reasonable and sure about the choice one is making…

    also there is no ‘right’ age of getting married [of course being of minimum marriageable age is must ;)]..one is ready,settled mentally with the thought of getting married and found a person with whom s/he can spend the life is the right time for that person to get married

    getting my point? huh a whole lot of post here 😛

  • Reply
    Aathira Nair
    June 22, 2011 at 11:57 am

    I think the only reason I got married was so that kids would have a solid family backing always. 

    I agree that you do not need to be married to have kids, but extended family accepting your kid.. requires that you are married..

  • Reply
    Aathira Nair
    June 22, 2011 at 11:57 am

    I think the only reason I got married was so that kids would have a solid family backing always. 

    I agree that you do not need to be married to have kids, but extended family accepting your kid.. requires that you are married..

  • Reply
    Richa
    June 22, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    Nicely put PB! I think wedding is an industry and they don’t even need to advertise their product. Society is already doing it for them. 

    Having said that, I think I might get married one day. Not for the societal pressure or to have a dream wedding (believe it or not, quite a few woman get married for that reason), but for the legal rights associated with it. Also filing as a couple saves on income tax big time. 🙂

  • Reply
    Richa
    June 22, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    Nicely put PB! I think wedding is an industry and they don’t even need to advertise their product. Society is already doing it for them. 

    Having said that, I think I might get married one day. Not for the societal pressure or to have a dream wedding (believe it or not, quite a few woman get married for that reason), but for the legal rights associated with it. Also filing as a couple saves on income tax big time. 🙂

  • Reply
    Titaxy
    June 22, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    I feel that it’s up to the person to decide what s/he wants out of life. And I don’t understand either why/how people think marriage is the ultimate goal…especially people who are of my age. While I don’t mind getting married someday, I won’t do it just because someone is pressurizing me to get into it. It’ll happen when I am ready. And when it does, I don’t think anything will change anything about my life drastically…it’s just another relationship 🙂

  • Reply
    Titaxy
    June 22, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    I feel that it’s up to the person to decide what s/he wants out of life. And I don’t understand either why/how people think marriage is the ultimate goal…especially people who are of my age. While I don’t mind getting married someday, I won’t do it just because someone is pressurizing me to get into it. It’ll happen when I am ready. And when it does, I don’t think anything will change anything about my life drastically…it’s just another relationship 🙂

  • Reply
    Rachna Lal
    June 22, 2011 at 5:51 pm

    What is a defacto relationship? It is something I have never heard of.

  • Reply
    Rachna Lal
    June 22, 2011 at 5:51 pm

    What is a defacto relationship? It is something I have never heard of.

  • Reply
    pal
    June 22, 2011 at 11:45 pm

    Wish I had an answer…

  • Reply
    pal
    June 22, 2011 at 11:45 pm

    Wish I had an answer…

  • Reply
    sidthegnome
    June 23, 2011 at 7:24 am

    I think there are instances where legally you are more secure if you have been married to your partner, say if you hav e spent a life together unmarried and then one passes away. And it’s not right, but I am sure it is the case.

    Like you, though, I have never understood why some people find it so important. I am married, but I met someone and fell in love and because we lived in different countries we got married to be together. Would we have got married if we were both Australian or both British? That’s a question I cannot answer.

    Women particularly seem determined that they must get married. Popular TV shows that I can recall are often about women looking for husbands – Seinfeld, Friends, Ally MacBeal. I was once at a work dinner where a woman was horrified to discover that she was the only woman there not married. Why? I asked her. She couldn’t tell me. It’s so ingrained in some people’e psyche they don’t even know why they want to get married. They just do.

    And so, I can’t answer your question without offending some people but I suspect it is because popular culture tells women they must be looking for “the one” and when they find him they must have the big white wedding.

  • Reply
    sidthegnome
    June 23, 2011 at 7:24 am

    I think there are instances where legally you are more secure if you have been married to your partner, say if you hav e spent a life together unmarried and then one passes away. And it’s not right, but I am sure it is the case.

    Like you, though, I have never understood why some people find it so important. I am married, but I met someone and fell in love and because we lived in different countries we got married to be together. Would we have got married if we were both Australian or both British? That’s a question I cannot answer.

    Women particularly seem determined that they must get married. Popular TV shows that I can recall are often about women looking for husbands – Seinfeld, Friends, Ally MacBeal. I was once at a work dinner where a woman was horrified to discover that she was the only woman there not married. Why? I asked her. She couldn’t tell me. It’s so ingrained in some people’e psyche they don’t even know why they want to get married. They just do.

    And so, I can’t answer your question without offending some people but I suspect it is because popular culture tells women they must be looking for “the one” and when they find him they must have the big white wedding.

  • Reply
    Pesto Sauce
    June 23, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    As someone contemplating matrimony your post makes me think hard. When I gave M word a deep thought last year I found that it is more to do with life’s circumstances; there comes a time when everyone wants to settle down, how long can one be alone. I too was initially skeptical about dreaded M word and still am to a large extent but I guess in a way it has become a necessary evil

    In my case however I can say that while I was in india getting married was out of question, only after I came to Muscat that settling down in life became important. I now had a good job and in a way felt its time totake the plunge. But to each his own, marriage should never be a compulsion

  • Reply
    Pesto Sauce
    June 23, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    As someone contemplating matrimony your post makes me think hard. When I gave M word a deep thought last year I found that it is more to do with life’s circumstances; there comes a time when everyone wants to settle down, how long can one be alone. I too was initially skeptical about dreaded M word and still am to a large extent but I guess in a way it has become a necessary evil

    In my case however I can say that while I was in india getting married was out of question, only after I came to Muscat that settling down in life became important. I now had a good job and in a way felt its time totake the plunge. But to each his own, marriage should never be a compulsion

  • Reply
    Roshan Menon
    June 23, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    Call me old fashioned but I am all for marriage. If you love someone and they love you, y not make it legal in the eyes of all? It’s the least one can do. But you have to want to be married and never do it just for someone else.

    I’m 34, soon to be 35 and a bachelor. I haven’t found my right woman and do not want to opt for the arranged way as I do not fully agree to it. I hope I do find my soul mate and I hope that it is soon. I am a lonely guy and envious of people who have “settled down”.  I know that someday I will find her and I’ll take good care of her. But until then I keep searching.

  • Reply
    Roshan Menon
    June 23, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    Call me old fashioned but I am all for marriage. If you love someone and they love you, y not make it legal in the eyes of all? It’s the least one can do. But you have to want to be married and never do it just for someone else.

    I’m 34, soon to be 35 and a bachelor. I haven’t found my right woman and do not want to opt for the arranged way as I do not fully agree to it. I hope I do find my soul mate and I hope that it is soon. I am a lonely guy and envious of people who have “settled down”.  I know that someday I will find her and I’ll take good care of her. But until then I keep searching.

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 2:04 am

    Thanks for sharing your story Nisha! And I understand the sharing and caring
    aspect of a marriage but I also wonder why that can’t happen in a defacto
    committed relationship. I know it’s not possible in countries like India
    where legally it isn’t accepted but I guess that’s why the broader question
    of the importance of marriage worldwide concerns me…in countries like Aus
    as well where the legal rights of defacto couples are the same as married
    couples. Just wondering…and yes, there still is a status associated with
    marriage that isn’t with a defacto partnership. Go figure.

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 2:04 am

    Thanks for sharing your story Nisha! And I understand the sharing and caring
    aspect of a marriage but I also wonder why that can’t happen in a defacto
    committed relationship. I know it’s not possible in countries like India
    where legally it isn’t accepted but I guess that’s why the broader question
    of the importance of marriage worldwide concerns me…in countries like Aus
    as well where the legal rights of defacto couples are the same as married
    couples. Just wondering…and yes, there still is a status associated with
    marriage that isn’t with a defacto partnership. Go figure.

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 2:18 am

    I’d forgotten about the four ashram things but makes sense in the Indian
    context I suppose. I do agree to each his own but I don’t like it when
    married people seem to have the assumption that everyone else should get
    married or that only if you are married then you are committed. After all,
    you only have to see the divorce stats to know how committed people are.

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 2:18 am

    I’d forgotten about the four ashram things but makes sense in the Indian
    context I suppose. I do agree to each his own but I don’t like it when
    married people seem to have the assumption that everyone else should get
    married or that only if you are married then you are committed. After all,
    you only have to see the divorce stats to know how committed people are.

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 2:49 am

    Oh I’m with you on it’s probably about the wedding than the marriage! I
    remember since a teenager though never wanting a wedding myself…back when
    I thought I would get married but merely sign papers in court. It’s all
    about showing off how much money one has when all I can think of is it’s
    such a waste for one day. But that’s a whole other rant I suppose.

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 2:49 am

    Oh I’m with you on it’s probably about the wedding than the marriage! I
    remember since a teenager though never wanting a wedding myself…back when
    I thought I would get married but merely sign papers in court. It’s all
    about showing off how much money one has when all I can think of is it’s
    such a waste for one day. But that’s a whole other rant I suppose.

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 3:09 am

    That’s the word: incomplete. You are right Priyanka when you say that
    society thinks a person is incomplete without a partner or without marriage.
    Somehow if you are unmarried, no matter whatever else you have achieved, you
    are still not considered worthwhile. This has got to change some time! After
    all, the divorce rates clearly show that marriage doesn’t necessarily result
    in completion in life! 😛

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 3:09 am

    That’s the word: incomplete. You are right Priyanka when you say that
    society thinks a person is incomplete without a partner or without marriage.
    Somehow if you are unmarried, no matter whatever else you have achieved, you
    are still not considered worthwhile. This has got to change some time! After
    all, the divorce rates clearly show that marriage doesn’t necessarily result
    in completion in life! 😛

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 3:16 am

    Oh yeah the no kids trend which is supposedly sweeping the world.
    Unfortunately the wrong people are breeding (another rant there though so I
    won’t go there…) But yeah, there shouldn’t be a use0by date by which one
    should get married…but that’s what currently exists in all societies
    though the age differs…

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 3:16 am

    Oh yeah the no kids trend which is supposedly sweeping the world.
    Unfortunately the wrong people are breeding (another rant there though so I
    won’t go there…) But yeah, there shouldn’t be a use0by date by which one
    should get married…but that’s what currently exists in all societies
    though the age differs…

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 4:17 am

    You’re right…it’s like a tradition that’s started and no one knows why but
    then because it’s been going on for years people just assume it’s the “right
    thing to do”. And yes, while to each his own, what annoys me is the negative
    judgement you receive for not conforming with that tradition. In this case,
    marriage. As you said, it’s generally the ones that follow these conventions
    who judge others and not vice versa. And don’t even get me started on the
    whole wedding issue…just a way to show off money. And blow off money.
    Problem is society dictates that there is something wrong if you are not
    married by such and such age…and then, the personal attacks and frantic
    searches begin…

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 4:17 am

    You’re right…it’s like a tradition that’s started and no one knows why but
    then because it’s been going on for years people just assume it’s the “right
    thing to do”. And yes, while to each his own, what annoys me is the negative
    judgement you receive for not conforming with that tradition. In this case,
    marriage. As you said, it’s generally the ones that follow these conventions
    who judge others and not vice versa. And don’t even get me started on the
    whole wedding issue…just a way to show off money. And blow off money.
    Problem is society dictates that there is something wrong if you are not
    married by such and such age…and then, the personal attacks and frantic
    searches begin…

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 5:30 am

    Yep…all the possible pressures pressurise one into getting married for
    sure Dew…or at least guilting parents into thinking they haven’t done
    their “duty”!

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 5:30 am

    Yep…all the possible pressures pressurise one into getting married for
    sure Dew…or at least guilting parents into thinking they haven’t done
    their “duty”!

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 5:50 am

    Firstly, I love the post-like comment Nu! 🙂 You and many others have
    written such long comments on this one that I’m super happy! Anyway, coming
    to your comment…I’m all for marriage being an individual choice. However,
    you have to wonder, with all the societal pressure, how much is in fact
    individual choice? So many people get married because they have to…because
    it is the norm…because it is what is expected. And I’m not saying the
    alternative is to stay single life long. But some people get into
    relationships and pressure the other partner into getting married and think
    sometimes that if one partner doesn’t want to get married and instead
    prefers a defacto relationship, then it means they don’t love them which
    isn’t necessarily the case. I guess my question is whether marriage is the
    be-all and end-all of all relationships or life. If you are married, then
    you are successful. If not, then there’s something wrong with you. Just as
    an example, when Michael Clarke was selected as Australian captain some
    months ago, some people were commenting on the fact that his unmarried
    status meant that he is not mature enough to be captain! Mind you, at the
    age of 30 and with a pretty decent cricketing record, people still thought
    he should be married to be considered. But yes, I get your point. I just
    wonder whether without societal pressures, how many people would really be
    married or want to be married.

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 5:50 am

    Firstly, I love the post-like comment Nu! 🙂 You and many others have
    written such long comments on this one that I’m super happy! Anyway, coming
    to your comment…I’m all for marriage being an individual choice. However,
    you have to wonder, with all the societal pressure, how much is in fact
    individual choice? So many people get married because they have to…because
    it is the norm…because it is what is expected. And I’m not saying the
    alternative is to stay single life long. But some people get into
    relationships and pressure the other partner into getting married and think
    sometimes that if one partner doesn’t want to get married and instead
    prefers a defacto relationship, then it means they don’t love them which
    isn’t necessarily the case. I guess my question is whether marriage is the
    be-all and end-all of all relationships or life. If you are married, then
    you are successful. If not, then there’s something wrong with you. Just as
    an example, when Michael Clarke was selected as Australian captain some
    months ago, some people were commenting on the fact that his unmarried
    status meant that he is not mature enough to be captain! Mind you, at the
    age of 30 and with a pretty decent cricketing record, people still thought
    he should be married to be considered. But yes, I get your point. I just
    wonder whether without societal pressures, how many people would really be
    married or want to be married.

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 5:54 am

    The extended family acceptance of kids probably applies to India and similar
    cultures Aathira but then why do people in countries like Aus and US and UK
    where it is okay to have kids in defacto relationships also feel the need to
    get married? And I’m not completely certain what you mean by solid family
    backing — do you mean family values? Because if so, even kids with parents
    who are unmarried but still in a committed relationship can have good
    values…it doesn’t depend on the marital status of the parents but rather
    the individuals themselves.

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 5:54 am

    The extended family acceptance of kids probably applies to India and similar
    cultures Aathira but then why do people in countries like Aus and US and UK
    where it is okay to have kids in defacto relationships also feel the need to
    get married? And I’m not completely certain what you mean by solid family
    backing — do you mean family values? Because if so, even kids with parents
    who are unmarried but still in a committed relationship can have good
    values…it doesn’t depend on the marital status of the parents but rather
    the individuals themselves.

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 6:05 am

    Tell me about it! I actually wonder whether a lot of women get married to
    have that dream wedding…I know friends who are single but who have already
    chosen what songs to play at their wedding. The legal rights here for
    defacto couples is the same as married couples so I guess that can’t be a
    reason for people to get married. And didn’t know about the filing taxes
    bit! So that’s news to me.

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 6:05 am

    Tell me about it! I actually wonder whether a lot of women get married to
    have that dream wedding…I know friends who are single but who have already
    chosen what songs to play at their wedding. The legal rights here for
    defacto couples is the same as married couples so I guess that can’t be a
    reason for people to get married. And didn’t know about the filing taxes
    bit! So that’s news to me.

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 6:14 am

    True…each to their own. But you have to wonder how many get married by 30
    just because of the pressures society places and whether if these pressures
    and expectations weren’t there, then they wouldn’t. It is seen as the
    ultimate goal (along with having kids).

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 6:14 am

    True…each to their own. But you have to wonder how many get married by 30
    just because of the pressures society places and whether if these pressures
    and expectations weren’t there, then they wouldn’t. It is seen as the
    ultimate goal (along with having kids).

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 6:15 am

    It’s a live-in relationship Rachna and is legally recognised. I’ve added a
    link for details in the first mention of it on the post…

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 6:15 am

    It’s a live-in relationship Rachna and is legally recognised. I’ve added a
    link for details in the first mention of it on the post…

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 6:15 am

    Equally stumped, huh? 🙂

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 6:15 am

    Equally stumped, huh? 🙂

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 6:25 am

    I do understand the legal stuff but I think now it’s been changed at least
    here where defacto couples have the same rights as married couples. I
    totally agree with you in that women in particular seem to get the message
    from everywhere that you have to get married. I was thinking about Friends
    and Sex in the City and other shows which portray the ultimate goal for
    women as being marriage. And don’t even get me started on the wedding
    bit…I don’t understand why people spend so much money (almost a year’s
    salary) on one day! I’d rather put it towards a house!

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 6:25 am

    I do understand the legal stuff but I think now it’s been changed at least
    here where defacto couples have the same rights as married couples. I
    totally agree with you in that women in particular seem to get the message
    from everywhere that you have to get married. I was thinking about Friends
    and Sex in the City and other shows which portray the ultimate goal for
    women as being marriage. And don’t even get me started on the wedding
    bit…I don’t understand why people spend so much money (almost a year’s
    salary) on one day! I’d rather put it towards a house!

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 6:31 am

    I guess it sounds like a reason people get married is to curb loneliness.
    However, I do wonder, in other countries where live-in relationships are
    acceptable and even have legal rights to go with them, why do people still
    prefer the whole marriage thing? I find it interesting though that you say
    you are still sceptical about it and refer to it as a necessary evil —
    because it sounds a bit like a friend of mine in India who has been married
    for a year and couldn’t highlight anything positive about it but says
    there’s no other option. Just makes me wonder…

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 6:31 am

    I guess it sounds like a reason people get married is to curb loneliness.
    However, I do wonder, in other countries where live-in relationships are
    acceptable and even have legal rights to go with them, why do people still
    prefer the whole marriage thing? I find it interesting though that you say
    you are still sceptical about it and refer to it as a necessary evil —
    because it sounds a bit like a friend of mine in India who has been married
    for a year and couldn’t highlight anything positive about it but says
    there’s no other option. Just makes me wonder…

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 6:35 am

    I think that’s my point Roshan — marrying someone doesn’t necessarily mean
    you love them. The divorce statistics and adultery speak for that. Also, if
    it weren’t so ingrained by society, would you be feeling envious of those
    who are married? I can understand loneliness and I’m not saying one needs to
    be single for life as opposed to getting married. I do know it’s an
    individual choice but I wish people wouldn’t judge those not wanting to get
    married in a negative way. Those wanting to be in a defacto relationship are
    also committed and in love…not just those who are married.

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 6:35 am

    I think that’s my point Roshan — marrying someone doesn’t necessarily mean
    you love them. The divorce statistics and adultery speak for that. Also, if
    it weren’t so ingrained by society, would you be feeling envious of those
    who are married? I can understand loneliness and I’m not saying one needs to
    be single for life as opposed to getting married. I do know it’s an
    individual choice but I wish people wouldn’t judge those not wanting to get
    married in a negative way. Those wanting to be in a defacto relationship are
    also committed and in love…not just those who are married.

  • Reply
    Jake
    June 24, 2011 at 8:33 am

    🙂 we keep agreeing on everything, man I can’t wait to read a post where ill completely disagree with you. 
    I don’t think theres much left to add, although I should say as much as the tiny minded out there are to blame, if someone does not wanna get married and is getting harrowed about it its up to him/her to stand up for themselves. I’m saying this because i’ve seen the way my parents are pressuring my sister (she’s 29) and as much as I feel bad for her I also feel angry at her cuz she just won’t stand up for herself and tell them to back off. I just wish she would, or maybe I’m being too much of a guy, women are never taken as seriously as men when the project emotions like that. But if you ask me its time women did some kicking and screaming for themselves, society takes advantage of it when you are timid.

  • Reply
    Jake
    June 24, 2011 at 8:33 am

    🙂 we keep agreeing on everything, man I can’t wait to read a post where ill completely disagree with you. 
    I don’t think theres much left to add, although I should say as much as the tiny minded out there are to blame, if someone does not wanna get married and is getting harrowed about it its up to him/her to stand up for themselves. I’m saying this because i’ve seen the way my parents are pressuring my sister (she’s 29) and as much as I feel bad for her I also feel angry at her cuz she just won’t stand up for herself and tell them to back off. I just wish she would, or maybe I’m being too much of a guy, women are never taken as seriously as men when the project emotions like that. But if you ask me its time women did some kicking and screaming for themselves, society takes advantage of it when you are timid.

  • Reply
    Itisnu
    June 24, 2011 at 9:01 am

    I get your pint PB and I do agree with that..I mean yes marriage is not THE ONLY thing to do in life or at the end of it all…like I said it’s not necessary to get married-to be happy,to be successful and to be called settled and stable in life 🙂

    Both of us are on the same page,me thinks,so there 🙂

  • Reply
    Itisnu
    June 24, 2011 at 9:01 am

    I get your pint PB and I do agree with that..I mean yes marriage is not THE ONLY thing to do in life or at the end of it all…like I said it’s not necessary to get married-to be happy,to be successful and to be called settled and stable in life 🙂

    Both of us are on the same page,me thinks,so there 🙂

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 10:04 am

    Disqus generic email templateWhat can I say? Great minds think alike! 😉 I agree that people should stand up for themselves too. I have stood my ground but I guess I’m also fortunate that my parents (or at least my mum) is understanding enough to know I’m making an informed decision to back off as well.

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 10:04 am

    Disqus generic email templateWhat can I say? Great minds think alike! 😉 I agree that people should stand up for themselves too. I have stood my ground but I guess I’m also fortunate that my parents (or at least my mum) is understanding enough to know I’m making an informed decision to back off as well.

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 10:07 am

    Disqus generic email templateOkie dokie…I do think we are on the same page Nu… 🙂

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 24, 2011 at 10:07 am

    Disqus generic email templateOkie dokie…I do think we are on the same page Nu… 🙂

  • Reply
    D - name is too short
    June 26, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    People marry because they think it is essential to their happiness. If you can be happy outside of marriage, so be it. Most people don’t know how to do it.

  • Reply
    D - name is too short
    June 26, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    People marry because they think it is essential to their happiness. If you can be happy outside of marriage, so be it. Most people don’t know how to do it.

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 27, 2011 at 1:29 am

    Ooh I like your response D and I think it makes perfect sense! I think
    people do equate marriage with happiness and are trained to think this way
    since a very young age. And of course, they don’t know otherwise and so are
    unhappy if not married!

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    June 27, 2011 at 1:29 am

    Ooh I like your response D and I think it makes perfect sense! I think
    people do equate marriage with happiness and are trained to think this way
    since a very young age. And of course, they don’t know otherwise and so are
    unhappy if not married!

  • Reply
    Sowmya
    October 20, 2012 at 5:17 pm

    choice as to marry or not is person specific.But again the reason people say for getting married is all silly n don’t even deserve a debate. Child,sex, companionship @old age bla bla… What if the person doesn’t chose to have a kid, what if he/she is a celibate, what if the partner dies n the other loses his company! People must get married, if they want to. That’s it!

  • Reply
    Sowmya
    October 20, 2012 at 5:17 pm

    choice as to marry or not is person specific.But again the reason people say for getting married is all silly n don’t even deserve a debate. Child,sex, companionship @old age bla bla… What if the person doesn’t chose to have a kid, what if he/she is a celibate, what if the partner dies n the other loses his company! People must get married, if they want to. That’s it!

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