Life

Tiresome Threesome

First, I must credit Gyanban for giving me the idea for the title and the post.

Second, no the post is not what you might be thinking about… :p [Naughty, naughty]

So, what am I talking about? Well…it’s about how tiresome it is when you intend on living with one other person but realise that it feels like sharing with two instead. Resulting in the tiresome threesome. Three people sharing a place meant for two.

Let me elaborate.

L isn’t a bad person. She’s quite nice apart from being a bit of a grub. (I will talk to her about it soon!!) Now, when she moved in three months ago, she had gotten out of a 5 year relationship. So she was single. Anyway, in the first week, I met her best friend…a guy…who we shall call T. He was over a couple of times in the first week and she asked me once if I minded him coming over. I told her back then I would prefer if she told me when T was coming over…just nice to have a heads up. So she did. For a week. And then nothing. He kept coming over but she wouldn’t tell me.

I always suspected T was more than a ‘best friend’. How many best friends come over almost every single day? How many best friends have dinner with you on most days when they have their mum, dad and siblings at home 5 minutes away? How many best friends drive you everywhere (even when it’s out of their way) because you don’t have a car? How many best friends come over to hang out with you after you worked together, went to church together and did Bible study together?

Anyway, mid-December, L went away for a week (which was bliss!!!) and when she came back, they both hooked up. And if anything, T seems to come over more often now. I must admit, L goes out a lot. Which is great. But whenever she is home after 12:00 p.m. T seems to be home as well. He’s stayed over a couple of times (that I know of). He’s had a shower a couple of times (that I know of…both weren’t mentioned to me…and one I noticed because I came home unexpectedly early from work!) When L comes home from work, T comes with her. There were days before the school holidays that T would finish his work at a school and come straight here. I find myself driving home from work and looking out for T’s car. And my mood plummets if I find it.

There are so many questions I have as well — how did L move on so quickly (barely a month) from a 5 year relationship with someone she thought she would marry and have babies with??? How can L and T stand to spend so much time with one another?? (As Richa said: “excessive togetherness syndrome”). Don’t they get sick of one another? Why can’t T just decide to move out of home and then the two of them can move in together? Why can’t they spend time in T’s house? Even if he does live with his parents, he has his own room!! And he lives in a house and not a unit.

So anyway, I started to keep what I call a T-log. Since last Friday (the 22nd) I have been keeping note of whenever T is over and how long he stays. So far, 9 days in, he’s been over 7 days. Sometimes for a couple of hours. Other times for about 7 hours. This helps me have an objective measure when I talk to L in a week or two about how it feels like I’m sharing with 2 people rather than just one and if I really wanted that, I would have advertised for a couple in the first place. It’s a bit hard to explain exactly what it is that bothers me — but the best I can do is say it feels cramped. I have shared with 3 other people in the past and had vowed to not share with more than one other once I was out of uni. But at least when sharing with 3 people, the place was bigger than my unit. It was the student residences and was built in a manner that even when others were around, you didn’t necessarily hear them in your own room. An apartment, on the other hand, is not built that way.

So anyway, I hope I can follow through on my decision to be assertive — given that I hate confrontation and I am so not assertive. I am not saying he should never come over. But I would prefer it to be just 2 days a week as opposed to 5!

There’s another part of me that just wants to give L two weeks’ notice to move out and say that I want to live by myself…and then after she’s moved out, to re-advertise. And of course, this time, be even clearer about my preferences right from the start. But I could be jumping from the frying pan into the fire with that scenario (even though I have seen some potentials online!). Plus, I cannot always avoid problems and need to learn to be assertive. Sigh. 

I cannot wait for the day when I’ll be able to afford to live by myself.

Until next time,

Cheers!!!

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  • Reply
    Gyanban
    January 31, 2010 at 2:22 am

    Threesomes ain’t that tiresome when three s a company! But looks like it is a bother..and sometimes people are so engrossed in their own worlds that they forget everyone else around them…

    L is going through a void syndrome right now…she probably is in dire need for some TLC and some S from whoever is willing to give her a shoulder to cry on..

    It s a phase and it will pass ..hang in there…remember a known devil is always better than an unknown angel…

  • Reply
    Titaxy
    January 31, 2010 at 2:32 am

    tough. only way out is you be frank and let her know it’s bothering you…which you are planning to do 🙂 so let’s wait and see how that goes…

    till then, hugs! 🙂

  • Reply
    kellyansapansa
    January 31, 2010 at 3:00 am

    Wow, that sounds frustrating! As she moved in with you, you absolutely have the right to call her on not sticking with your agreement. You’re also doing the right thing by gathering information to back up your argument. Good luck with asserting yourself!

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    January 31, 2010 at 3:01 am

    Yeah this threesome isn’t company. Especially given that I’m the kind that loves my “me-time”. And re the last point…that’s what I thought as well… “better the devil you know”! Sigh.

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    January 31, 2010 at 3:02 am

    I will warn people people I’m going to do it…just in case she reacts badly…at least people I know will be aware of it and call to see if I’m okay over the days after it all! =P Yeah I know…paranoid.

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    January 31, 2010 at 3:04 am

    Thanks Kelly! I think I’m going to need all the luck in the world. I keep questioning whether I’m a difficult person to live with, but I got along great with most of my previous flatmates. This is the first time though that I’ve had someone move in with me…so I know I can be assertive but I’m still nervous about doing so! Thanks again…

  • Reply
    perplexed
    January 31, 2010 at 4:51 am

    oh no! I can understand… but you have gotta tell her, its rude of her to not think about your preferences and just act according to her wishes! I hope you can afford to live by yourself soon (i can’t wait for me to get my own place too)

  • Reply
    soin
    January 31, 2010 at 5:22 am

    its all the new couple thingy.if its not it will go off fast coz that syndrome..but how will you find a roomie who wont date? if they do date always going to get the guy over..

  • Reply
    caitlyn nicholas
    January 31, 2010 at 5:51 am

    Ug. Don’t envy this one. Good luck with it, let us know how it goes. 🙂

  • Reply
    magali_c
    January 31, 2010 at 6:27 am

    You definitely need to be more assertive with her. If all else fails, maybe you can split the rent amount by 3 & demand she pay 2 parts! (That was just a joke!)
    I think I am quite similar to you with this whole confrontation business. I get all worked up pretty often but when it comes to confrontations, I always try to avoid them, just to ‘keep the peace.’
    But anyway, this behavior seems to be crossing a line. Since you say she a nice person otherwise, hope you are able to handle this well & she accept that what she’s doing is unfair & changes her ways.
    Best of luck to you.

  • Reply
    Nu
    January 31, 2010 at 6:30 am

    I think the best way is to talk to her about your inconvenience.Because after all it’s shared space and hence things should happen when both of you agree in consent.

    Secondly,yes..too much togetherness is boring.Me and H also give each other some space when we can do what we like to..this way we don’t have to like what the other likes…like watching tele or blogging or reading…whatever..like I said in my last post…ME time is a must ! Some people just don’t get it…so be it ! They fill soon find it out that how important it is to take a break from everyone..even your spouse leave alone friends !

    Anyways,cheer up..tomorrow is your big day and I’m sure soon you will be on your own to live by yourself 🙂 Good Luck for that 🙂

  • Reply
    Harini
    January 31, 2010 at 6:38 am

    If T was your friend or something… things would have been different. Anyways, the only way out is to confront her. You have to tell her what you think and feel. I hope that she will understand :).

  • Reply
    Richa
    January 31, 2010 at 6:45 am

    I think the thing that would have bothered me most if I was in your situation is her lack of any courtesy towards you. You are after all room-mates. Okay, you don’t need to be best of friends but at least she could be a good room-mate. Good room-mates know each other a bit at the least . Ask each other how their day went and obviously inform them about any expected guest and ask if you are comfortable with her friend staying over so much. You know, these are normal room-mate’s courtesies.

    I won’t say all my room-mates have been my best friend, but we did find something common between us, like cooking or watching TV or love of musicals, or love for books. There is always some common ground between two people who live under the same roof. But your room-mate doesn’t seem to even trying. She is so much involved in her personal life that she forgot to be a good room-mate or a friend or even a good stranger. Obviously you don’t want to live with her.

    Try talking to her. If she has some senses she will understand otherwise, tell her it’s not working out. You didn’t sign up to live with two people afterall.

    Good luck!

  • Reply
    shahid
    January 31, 2010 at 10:31 am

    Typical roomie scenario….all the best with it..coz its a difficult one to crack……

  • Reply
    bluntedges
    January 31, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    i was still thinking it would turn upto be something i first thought when i read the title…sigh! 😉

  • Reply
    tavishchadha
    January 31, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    wow! taken out ll ur ryoufrustration here on the blog! good!! coming to the situation u r in… if thats the only thing bothering u about her,just talk to her, I am sure she will understand… is she doesn’t giver her the notice…

    P.S. I did raise one eye brow when i read the title 😛

    Cheers!
    Tavish
    Latest blog post: 30 seconds late…

  • Reply
    Aneet
    February 1, 2010 at 1:38 am

    I am guessing that you should be able to analyze this situation better than anyone else as to why your blissful life is being punctured by L and T…..

  • Reply
    lillyslife
    February 1, 2010 at 3:29 pm

    Oh you poor thing. My daughter has the same trouble. I think its rude really given she moved in with you. You didnt expect to be living with two people just one. you need to tell her. I agree I often wonder how people can move on so quickly too. Set the boundaries and if she doesnt like it she can leave. thats what I think. Your home needs to be somewhere youu feel comfortable. The bottom line is you dont. Do not let her and her boyfriend walk over you.

  • Reply
    bookslifenmore
    February 2, 2010 at 3:59 am

    I think you need to be assertive!!! At most she would herself propose to move out and that too would solve your problem!! But honestly you shouldn’t be taking this so easily!!

    You know this reminds me of my land lady back in Ahmedabad. You know what her solution would have been??? She would have created a ruckus and said the third person should pay extra money 😉 Not that am suggesting this to you but am clear that you NEED to have a confrontation with this girl, in fact you shud have had it long back! These things should never be encouraged otherwise you are taken for granted!!!

    So speak up girl!

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 2, 2010 at 8:41 am

    I’m building up the courage to tell her along with of course, keeping the log. But there’s still such a huge part of me that just wants to give her notice. Sigh

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 2, 2010 at 8:46 am

    Well, I understand it’s probably a new couple thing but I don’t understand why it has to be here more often and why not at his place. And I don’t want a roomie that will never date (although that may be a bonus) but like I said, someone who goes to their boyfriend’s place more often and maybe the guy visits a couple of days a week rather than 5 days.

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 2, 2010 at 8:46 am

    Thanks! Do need luck to be assertive! :/

  • Reply
    Dew
    February 2, 2010 at 2:26 pm

    Oh this twosome threesomez can be really unnecessary stress, dear!

  • Reply
    ani_aset
    February 20, 2010 at 5:11 am

    i like your idea of keeping a log..time to show it to L and chuck her out, and advertise again seriously.

  • Reply
    comfortablynam
    September 16, 2010 at 2:03 am

    Ouch..not a good situation to be in..Time for self is very important and if you don’t get to relax and enjoy time at home things do get difficult.

    You are on the right track. Talk to her and see if things get resolved. If not it is time to find a new flatmate..

  • Reply
    comfortablynam
    September 16, 2010 at 2:03 am

    Ouch..this is not a nice situation to be in..

    A person should always have space in their house to relax and enjoy some me time..and not feel cramped. So do go talk to your housemate and come up with a plan. But if things don’t work out then I do think it’s time to move on a find a different housemate..

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 16, 2010 at 2:03 am

    Yeah I know I need to be assertive…and re getting them to pay 2 parts, I found out that apparently, if he stays over 3 nights a week, I can actually charge a bit more! (Taking electricity and water use in consideration) 😀 Keeping my fingers crossed. I’m going to start by asking her to be a bit cleaner and then maybe a week later, will mention this. Gradually facing my fear of confrontation!

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