Life lessons

Being assertive — I finally did it!

I spoke to L about the whole T situation.

So how did I do it? Ah…here’s a story.

Yesterday I returned home in the afternoon and they were both in her room. They didn’t hear me get back and go into my room. Anyway, about 15 minutes later, I hear the shower running and I figure it’s L. I get out of my room to get something and hear voices in the shower. Yep, you got it right. They were both in the shower.

And I lost it. Not because I am a prude. I don’t care that they have sex in their bedroom. But taking a shower together (read: possibly engaging in sexual activities) is crossing boundaries given that I use the fricking shower as well and more importantly, she doesn’t clean the bathroom — I do!!! And I don’t particularly want to be cleaning up other people’s bodily fluids!!! I decided there and then that this was the last straw. I was going to say something. I had had enough.

The question was how.

I sat in the lounge room fuming for a while. And then it hit me.

I could just bump into them when they got out of the bathroom and feign surprise that there’s two people coming out of the shower! I waited in my kitchen with a glass of water and heard the shower turn off (after a long bloody shower mind you!). And then I walked towards my bedroom (my bedroom is right across the bathroom, by the way so I have to pass by to get in) And first L came out and said hi to me. And then, T follows behind and says hi too. And I went “What the…?!!”

And they laughed.

And that was my cue. I told L I would like to chat with her sometime and asked her when she was available. We scheduled a time for Monday night. And I went into my room. I was chatting with my sister and telling her to call me on Monday night at 9…just in case.

A while later, there was a knock on my bedroom door. It was L. Telling me that she had sent T home and would like to have the chat now since the suspense was killing her. And so we did.

I told her how I felt like I was sharing with 2 people instead of 1 and said I would prefer if T came home just once or twice a week instead of 5! I also said that I didn’t care what they did in the privacy of their bedroom but I would prefer they didn’t in the shower since it was a common area. And then, she apologised for T coming over so often. Said he would come over only twice a week. And…get this…she said they don’t have sex (no sex before marriage…apparently)!!! I nearly laughed out loud and said, yeah you’re Virgin Mary. I wanted to tell her that oral sex is still sex (as I tell my young teenage clients) because you can catch STIs. But I controlled myself! πŸ˜› And does she seriously think I believe that? But oh well. As long as they don’t fucking do it in the bathroom or living room or kitchen or any bloody common area, I don’t give a shit. Well, maybe I do. But it’s less gross if it’s in her bedroom.

Anyway, so now I will monitor it. One of my friends thought I should have straight kicked her out since L was crossing the line big time. I probably would have. If finances had not been tight. I might wait another month and see how things are going. And if I’m not happy, well, L is out. And I have been assertive so there’s no excuses of not saying how I am feeling about things.

In the end though, I did it. I faced my fear. Even though I was shitting myself while talking to her…even though I could feel my heart beating so quickly, I still did it. I think it’s because I was so peeved off, it made the fear a tad less!

So what do you all think? Is it fair that in a month if things are still the same, I say arrivederci to her? And are you proud that I faced my fear??? =) [‘Coz I know you all luuuurve me!]

Until next time,

Cheers!!!

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No Comments

  • Reply
    E.
    February 22, 2010 at 9:58 am

    Well done! Great work being assertive there.

  • Reply
    ani_aset
    February 22, 2010 at 10:01 am

    Well this was a good start, and handled well so far. I hope it works. In the meanwhile i will suggest, you start looking for a new roomie, just in case.
    P.S: we nearly managed to snatch defeat from the SA last night sigh πŸ˜›

  • Reply
    Varsh
    February 22, 2010 at 10:05 am

    LOL πŸ™‚

    I agree the situation can be very uncomfortable for you…you did a fantastic job…its best to speak your mind when tings get out of hand! Well done! πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    bookslifenmore
    February 22, 2010 at 10:14 am

    The problem with comment moderation is I seriously dunno whether I am first or not but Yay! If I am πŸ˜€

    And did she really say that “they don’t have sex” ha ha ha who is she fooling? But am really happy that you finally did it! She surely IS crossing limits & it was high time that u blew out!!

    I guess you also finally did it because of the kind of mood u have been in lately. I guess it was a way of lenting out πŸ™‚

    So bravo girl & if this continues u surely must say arrivederci to her!!! Don’t let her take you granted!

  • Reply
    The Ketchup Girl
    February 22, 2010 at 10:18 am

    oh Gawd, this takes me back to college days. and as you narrated this, i was having goosebumps , thinking of similar experiences way back !! well, its a space you are sharing, there have to be rules!!

  • Reply
    Shreya
    February 22, 2010 at 10:26 am

    psych!!!!!!!!!!!!!! came here after a LOOOONG time!! AND, its really odd, but i figured out i hadn’t been following you all this while!! and i thought i was, so i kept wondering how come you don’t pop up on my updates :O but, all is well that ends well i guess πŸ˜€

    Yea, what you did was just the right thing to do! I mean, yea probably people like us may not be comfortable with such behavior, some may be, but i guess not us! And its always a real nice thing to say it out and get done wit it πŸ™‚ So, now she and he, both know what annoys you and hopefully they’ll try and be a bit less annoying! I mean you shutting up and frowning and cussing on your blog/to a friend certainly wouldn’t have helped πŸ™‚

    And i think the one-month-notice-period seems to be the best option (assuming its YOUR house you are sharing)

    Yes yes yes yes, we love you for all the bravery πŸ˜›

    And, may be, you know, just a tiny little teeny meeny bitty ‘may be’ you could wait till i get there and we could share your place πŸ˜€

    Much love, luck, laughter

    Shreya πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 22, 2010 at 10:32 am

    Thank you very much! I’m proud as punch =)

  • Reply
    Clarissa
    February 22, 2010 at 10:33 am

    wow. Good work πŸ™‚ Glad you faced your fear. I reckon if no change – kicking out after a month is fair. You have given warning and been kind of specific about the problem…

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 22, 2010 at 10:34 am

    Yeah I probably should…my sis suggested the same. But I don’t know if that would be possible because the person would want to view the place and I couldn’t do that with someone in there…I’ll sort it out…soon I hope! =) Nearly managed to snatch defeat…which means you won? Damn. =P Not that I follow cricket apart from when we (as in Aus) play due to not having cable tv.

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 22, 2010 at 10:34 am

    Yep…uncomfortable all right! That’s bang on. Glad I could finally speak up…

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 22, 2010 at 10:36 am

    Aww…sorry but you are not first.

    Lol yeah she did say that…don’t know what she takes me for. A 23 year old boy will not not have sex seeing a naked girl. Christian or not. And if they were true Christians, like a couple of my friends are, they wouldn’t be seeing each other naked!

    Yeah, I think my low mood helped in losing it finally. Feel like a load is off my chest…at least for the time being!!

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 22, 2010 at 10:44 am

    Hehe…I had stuff like this occur even when I lived on-campus. The difference there was we had a cleaner come in once a week and clean the common areas. Here, L doesn’t even help out with the house cleaning and I’m the one that cleans the bathroom. I really don’t want to be cleaning other people’s bodily fluids!!!

  • Reply
    misscarly
    February 22, 2010 at 10:56 am

    well done! see everything went down well πŸ™‚ personally i dont know how people manage to have sex within the confines of a shower. rofl. but that might just be me..

    glad it worked out for you xx

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 22, 2010 at 10:57 am

    Lol…glad you now have me on your updates list! Having said that, I haven’t been blogging as regularly as I normally do since the start of this month.

    I think more than anything, me doing the cleaning of the bathroom is what grossed me out and got me furious. But yeah…it’s out there now. And yes, it’s my house we are sharing. =)

    Aww…thanks for luuurrrving my for my bravery! I luurve all of you =) [No I’m not drunk!]

    I could kick her out and still wait until you get here to share. More than happy to have you as a flatmate! But just a question — you sure you want to be sharing with a person like me?? I whinge a lot! =P

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 22, 2010 at 10:57 am

    Thanks Clarissa! And yeah, I am definitely going to monitor for a month and then, finances or no finances, I’ll ask her to leave if there’s no change

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 22, 2010 at 11:00 am

    Rofl! To be honest, I never understood that either….but I guess some people just manage in those small confines! =P

    I have kept your advice in mind in any case about charging $10 extra if needed. But I reckon I will be moving towards getting a new flatmate if things still don’t change…

  • Reply
    Makk
    February 22, 2010 at 11:03 am

    “DER AAYE DURUST AAYE”

  • Reply
    Aditya
    February 22, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    Well you do have a funny room mate! Seriously 😐 I mean has she ever thought of blogging her funny experiences? She would be an instant hit on the blogoshere! 😐

    Well done Psych and do kick her out next month even if she turns out a new leaf πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    sayamaya
    February 22, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    I think it is great tat you told her whatever it was that was bothering you. It is not about right or wrong but about sharing a common space and respecting the other person on the premises. Kudos to you πŸ˜€

  • Reply
    sayamaya
    February 22, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    Btw.. I tagged you for a contest. Please do look it up.
    http://outofthebluee.wordpress.com/2010/02/20/a-dance-with-life-2/

  • Reply
    Shreya
    February 22, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    i would LOVE to share a flat for the only reason that even i am a cleanliness freak (assuming, rather i-thinking- you are one too!!!!!!)

  • Reply
    Magali
    February 22, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    Congrats! We’re so proud of you! πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    Gunjaaish
    February 22, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    Hope this time the comment goes thro without having to experiment

  • Reply
    Gunjaaish
    February 22, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    Oh great! Now that it did, honestly PB, you did a good job there. Having to put up with such behaviour everyday needs quite a lot of patience. And you sure have it. πŸ™‚

    In fact you should have given her the sex education bit, her expression would have been priceless. πŸ˜€

    And we do luvvvvvvve you babe. Will wait for updates on LnT after a month.. πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    ItsNu
    February 22, 2010 at 1:58 pm

    The air is clear na ? For the moment at least πŸ™‚ I’m glad you did it finally…you must also be feeling lighter πŸ™‚

    I think since you have just spoken to her..giving her some time to improve is fine..and then still if shes the same you know what you gotta do to her πŸ™‚

    Good Luck sweetie πŸ™‚ Well done !!

  • Reply
    Harini
    February 22, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    Good for you!!! You go girl!! Seriously, its high time you said something to her.

  • Reply
    Titaxy
    February 22, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    Good to know you had the talk. πŸ™‚ Yes, I’m proud that you overcame your fear, I would’ve never done it πŸ™‚ Bravo, PB πŸ™‚

    Let’s just hope things go well here on. Hugs!

    And hey, did you like Shutter Island? I watched it over the weekend and liked it πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    bluntedges
    February 22, 2010 at 7:48 pm

    hahaha…it sure is fun 2 do it in the shower! so i won’t blame L πŸ˜‰

    n some cool play-acting there 2 the build-up of your confrontation with L…lol πŸ˜€

    n proud of u that u faced your fears…reminds me of a line from FRIENDS:
    Joey: Face your fear. You have a fear of heights? You go to the top of the building. You’re afraid of bugs? Get a bug, right? In this case, you have a fear of commitment. So I say you go in there and be the most committed guy there ever was. Oh, yeah. Go for it man! Jump off the high dive. Stare down the barrel of a gun, pee into the wind!
    Chandler: Yeah. Joe, I assure you if I’m staring down the barrel of a gun, I’m gonna be pretty much peeing every which way.

  • Reply
    shahid
    February 23, 2010 at 1:17 am

    so you are heading towards a solution to your room mate situation!!!…..lets hope this month kinda puts everything ight for u…L and T….

    Shahid

  • Reply
    GregoryJ
    February 23, 2010 at 3:14 am

    I think a month is more than enough at this point. If she’s just talking the talk to shut you up, you will find out soon enough.
    You deserve to be proud. You did well.
    I know I would have trouble doing something like that. I hate any kind of confrontation. I’m not crazy about even talking to people.
    Good for you.

  • Reply
    Legal Alien
    February 23, 2010 at 8:21 am

    oh Psych! congratulations! i have so much trouble being assertive too and i think about it for ages and ages so I know how proud you feel. Well done!! πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    Richa
    February 23, 2010 at 8:58 am

    Yay! You did it!! I am so proud of you! Hopefully she will behave, otherwise show her the door. I agree one month time limit is good…

    I am glad that that’s over. πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 23, 2010 at 10:52 am

    =)

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 23, 2010 at 10:53 am

    Haha! I don’t know if she blogs…I think not though. But I reckon if she did, she’d only blog to advocate veganism and religion… =P

    And Aditya, a large part of me does want to give her notice to leave even if she does change!! But I guess it would have to depend on finances because then I could possibly be trading her (who is sane and trustworthy) for a psycho….

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 23, 2010 at 10:54 am

    Thank you! You have hit the nail on the head — it’s about respecting the other person!!! I have friends over but it’s generally once a week or once a fortnight. And more often than not, especially if there’s more than one friend, I tell her about it.

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 23, 2010 at 10:55 am

    Thanks…will do it over the weekend… =)

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 23, 2010 at 10:55 am

    Thanks…will do it over the weekend… =)

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 23, 2010 at 10:56 am

    YEs you guessed that right…I am a clean freak but I am able to compromise to a certain extent. I’m not fussy that dishes need to be done straight away…don’t mind if they are rinsed and in the sink for a couple of days. (Unlike my parents who I thought were OCD!!) =P So you are more than welcome to share given you can probably put up with my idiosyncracies!!! =D

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 23, 2010 at 10:56 am

    Thanks MAgs!! =)

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 23, 2010 at 10:57 am

    Looks like it did…. πŸ˜›

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 23, 2010 at 10:58 am

    Thanks…yeah I think I reached the end of that patience though given all the other stressors occurring at the same time! Rofl!! It would have been funny to give her sex ed!

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 23, 2010 at 11:00 am

    At the moment yes…things seem to be out in the open and communicated appropriately! Thanks Nu…

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 23, 2010 at 11:00 am

    Hehe…I bet everyone I know (including all of you) got tired of hearing me whinge about her and not having the balls to say something….lots of people are thinking “it’s high time I said something” and I guess I was too… =D

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 23, 2010 at 11:02 am

    Thanks T! =) Trust me, I’m sure if you are pushed enough, you will be able to do the same. It’s about where you draw the line….

    Oh I did like Shutter Island. I too watched it over the weekend and it really took me by surprise. Leonardo DiCaprio is actually becoming better as he ages. I hated him in Titanic…a time when all my friends were swooning after him. I think he’s a much better actor these days….

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 23, 2010 at 11:03 am

    Lol…yes, I amazed myself with my ability to act! Didn’t know I had it in me =P And how is it even possible to do it in the shower??? Isn’t it uncomfortable?? LAck of space and everything…must be very cramped is all I can say…

    And lol at the FRIENDS excerpt…I remember that!!

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 23, 2010 at 11:05 am

    Yes…had to take action and now we are getting somewhere…

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 23, 2010 at 11:07 am

    Thanks Gregory! I’m with you…not so crazy about talking to people either! Prefer my small circle or my own company.

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 23, 2010 at 11:07 am

    Thanks Gregory! I’m with you…not so crazy about talking to people either! Prefer my small circle or my own company.

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 23, 2010 at 11:08 am

    Thanks Legal Alien! Yeah, I’ve been thinking about this since end of December πŸ˜› Finally had to take action but it shows she crossed a line which I could not handle and took action!

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 23, 2010 at 11:08 am

    Yes I did!!! =) Thanks! And yes, I’m soooo glad it’s over. A huge weight off my chest now because I know if it doesn’t change, I can just give her notice to leave…

  • Reply
    BlueMist
    February 23, 2010 at 11:37 am

    cool. In fact you should have asked her to pay double the amount since she is trying to accommodate two people in one person’s rent. πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€
    Hope she got the message and she will correct herself.

  • Reply
    sayamaya
    February 23, 2010 at 1:44 pm

    I totally understand how frustrating it must be for you. Anyway, since you have spoken about it, maybe you will see a change.

  • Reply
    Aditya
    February 23, 2010 at 4:11 pm

    Veganism and religion? Trust me, I would never read her blog πŸ˜›

    yeah right. A known devil is better than an unknown stranger! sigh!

  • Reply
    Titaxy
    February 23, 2010 at 8:49 pm

    Oh tell me about it…me didn’t like him very much in Titanic either. But he’s just matured sooooo much since then. Loved him in Catch me if you can, Departed, and now this one.

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 24, 2010 at 9:36 am

    Hehe…well I was tracking how long he was staying so that if needed I could charge extra. And yes, I hope she got the message too!!!

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 24, 2010 at 9:37 am

    Fingers crossed…. =)

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 24, 2010 at 9:38 am

    Hehe…I bet there would be people though who would. And that’s the exact phrase a couple of friends told me when I first contemplated just getting rid of her without being assertive…at least I know what to expect and despite the boyfriend being annoying, he’s a decent guy. It could be a lot worse I suppose

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 24, 2010 at 9:40 am

    Hehe…dare I say it….I loved all those three movies and thought he was great in them! Absolutely loved the Departed (despite the gore) and thought it was an awesome movie (except for Mark Wahlberg)

  • Reply
    annapurna
    February 25, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    Hi Psych!

    Was out of the blogging scene for quite some time now. We teach about how assertive behaviour is always the best means of communication as opposed to aggressive or passive….but it requires a lot of guts….you took the right step, and how! Keep it up,girl!

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    February 25, 2010 at 4:26 pm

    Hehe…should I say it? We are alike…I loved those movies and thought he
    was great in them!!! Departed was so awesome!!! =)

    ————————————————–

  • Reply
    Avada Kedavra
    February 27, 2010 at 3:29 am

    yeeeeks.. that’s so yuck girl. If I were you, I would have kicked her out. But anyways, wait for a month and if this continues, kick her out. I am sure you will get a better flatmate!! πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 16, 2010 at 2:03 am

    Haha! I don’t know if she blogs…I think not though. But I reckon if she did, she’d only blog to advocate veganism and religion… =P

    And Aditya, a large part of me does want to give her notice to leave even if she does change!! But I guess it would have to depend on finances because then I could possibly be trading her (who is sane and trustworthy) for a psycho….

  • Reply
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