Life lessons

How transparent are you

…when it comes to your facial expressions and your true feelings?

I am an open book. And you know what?

I don’t particularly like it.

For instance, if I dislike someone, I find it hard to be fake and sweet towards them. Don’t get me wrong. I am civil enough. But you can tell if I don’t like you.Β  The smile on my face won’t reach my eyes. There will be a certain amount of distance possibly through my nonverbal communication.

While people who know me well can even tell when I am worried or sad or angry and even when something is wrong, those who don’t know me well enough will still have an idea. There are a couple of people at work I don’t particularly like. One is a narcissist and raves on an on about how great they are. Now I can’t stand narcissists. And I think it came across that I had a problem listening to this person rave on. Now they don’t try and brag about themselves to me but are civil enough as I am with them. So obviously, the dislike for narcissism has come through!

Recently I have been pissed off with someone else who in my opinion was very manipulative. And I am finding it verrrrrrry hard to even pretend or to smile at them [which I do with the narcissist]

It’s times like these I really wish I was good at pretending. Or at least wish that my true feelings weren’t totally written on my face for the whole world to see!

It’s also the reason why if I have problems with my friends, I’m better off being open and assertive about it rather than keep it hidden because they always figure something is wrong. By my expressions and my behaviours. On the other hand, the good thing is that things can get sorted out with people I am close to before I go the deep end of catastrophising. Plus it’s good with clients who can see me as being genuine.

I wonder though…what is it that makes some people so open and yet others are so good at hiding their true feelings and emotions…to the point where they may even stab you in the back! Is it something inherited? Like part of one’s temperament or personality. Or is it something that can be learnt? Or just something else altogether?

In the mean time though, I have to deal with a person I do not like but am not assertive enough to say so! Gah!

So…how transparent are you?

Do share…

Until next time,

Cheers!!!

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No Comments

  • Reply
    nidsitis
    September 7, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    Love this post. Often as it seems I question how people can air their views with such ease. I find it insanely difficult to tell anyone how I feel. Especially nasty things. Which means I never confront anyone and the discomfort rots within. Unhealthy. I almost envy those who can voice whats on their mind.
    So I am not transparent. Unless I’m in a really bad mood and you can just see I’m upset. I am not usually transparent with the people who deserve it. πŸ™‚

    Lovely post. πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    nidsitis
    September 7, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    Love this post. Often as it seems I question how people can air their views with such ease. I find it insanely difficult to tell anyone how I feel. Especially nasty things. Which means I never confront anyone and the discomfort rots within. Unhealthy. I almost envy those who can voice whats on their mind.
    So I am not transparent. Unless I’m in a really bad mood and you can just see I’m upset. I am not usually transparent with the people who deserve it. πŸ™‚

    Lovely post. πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    Ayushi Bhatia
    September 7, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    We’re twins when it comes to being transparent. I’m more or less like you πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    Ayushi Bhatia
    September 7, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    We’re twins when it comes to being transparent. I’m more or less like you πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    Shail
    September 7, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    Hmm… sometimes your smile does not reach your eyes. But guess what, the other person is SO obtuse that they don’t Β even know! πŸ˜› I am not as transparent as you or so I think ;)) Mostly I keep my feelings to myself successfully. πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    Shail
    September 7, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    Hmm… sometimes your smile does not reach your eyes. But guess what, the other person is SO obtuse that they don’t Β even know! πŸ˜› I am not as transparent as you or so I think ;)) Mostly I keep my feelings to myself successfully. πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    Chandana
    September 7, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    I am extremely transparent… Whatever am thinking/feeling is immediately reflected on my face.. And i can’t help it.. its like a reflex action. I dont act rude, but like you said “the smile doesn’t reach my eyes” and people get to know something is bothering me… Its annoying at times that am unable to control it but it has its perks!

  • Reply
    Chandana
    September 7, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    I am extremely transparent… Whatever am thinking/feeling is immediately reflected on my face.. And i can’t help it.. its like a reflex action. I dont act rude, but like you said “the smile doesn’t reach my eyes” and people get to know something is bothering me… Its annoying at times that am unable to control it but it has its perks!

  • Reply
    Lifesorchestra
    September 7, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    talking about being transparent …. there was a guy who worked as venture capitalist and was going on and on about how they make and break companies. at a point I could not take any longer .. I said to him that only a person with no heart and only money in his mind can be a vcΒ  and he fits the bill pretty good. πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    Lifesorchestra
    September 7, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    talking about being transparent …. there was a guy who worked as venture capitalist and was going on and on about how they make and break companies. at a point I could not take any longer .. I said to him that only a person with no heart and only money in his mind can be a vcΒ  and he fits the bill pretty good. πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    Titaxy
    September 7, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    honestly, i don’t know. i would like to think that i can hide my emotions if and when i want, but i really don’t know whether i can do it or not.

  • Reply
    Titaxy
    September 7, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    honestly, i don’t know. i would like to think that i can hide my emotions if and when i want, but i really don’t know whether i can do it or not.

  • Reply
    The Survivor
    September 7, 2011 at 5:07 pm

    Same problem with me, not very good at hiding my feeling on my face πŸ™

  • Reply
    The Survivor
    September 7, 2011 at 5:07 pm

    Same problem with me, not very good at hiding my feeling on my face πŸ™

  • Reply
    nisha punjabi
    September 7, 2011 at 6:27 pm

    Most people say they r transparent but they’re not!
    As for me, if I’m bored with someone, I’ll start looking here and there. If I’m tensed, it will show on my face. If I’m sad, the tears will roll! some call it being emotionally immature πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    nisha punjabi
    September 7, 2011 at 6:27 pm

    Most people say they r transparent but they’re not!
    As for me, if I’m bored with someone, I’ll start looking here and there. If I’m tensed, it will show on my face. If I’m sad, the tears will roll! some call it being emotionally immature πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    Comfy
    September 7, 2011 at 8:54 pm

    We got a leason in hiding our true emotions as part of ragging during the initial collge days. So back in the day I could in less than a min if you asked me to, hold back tears no matter how badly I wanted to cry and in general smile through anything. So could most of my

    I have lost most of it now. Can still smile through most things but that is about it.

  • Reply
    Comfy
    September 7, 2011 at 8:54 pm

    We got a leason in hiding our true emotions as part of ragging during the initial collge days. So back in the day I could in less than a min if you asked me to, hold back tears no matter how badly I wanted to cry and in general smile through anything. So could most of my

    I have lost most of it now. Can still smile through most things but that is about it.

  • Reply
    Jake
    September 7, 2011 at 9:08 pm

    I think I’m the only one in my family who just wont put on a fake smile when I am talking to someone I don’t like, I just can’t do it. My sis is really good at doing it and I often make fun of her calling her a sell out , but its only after I started working that I realized that your ability to lie goes a long way in maintaining your social life. Its probably why I am as painfully introverted as I am, I just wont put in any effort into something I don’t enjoy be it relationships or reality T.V or fashion mags , when I hate it I hate it with all my heart and when I love it, its carved in stone , probably why I can’t sleep without playing a little Dream Theater and practicing all the scales.Β 

  • Reply
    Jake
    September 7, 2011 at 9:08 pm

    I think I’m the only one in my family who just wont put on a fake smile when I am talking to someone I don’t like, I just can’t do it. My sis is really good at doing it and I often make fun of her calling her a sell out , but its only after I started working that I realized that your ability to lie goes a long way in maintaining your social life. Its probably why I am as painfully introverted as I am, I just wont put in any effort into something I don’t enjoy be it relationships or reality T.V or fashion mags , when I hate it I hate it with all my heart and when I love it, its carved in stone , probably why I can’t sleep without playing a little Dream Theater and practicing all the scales.Β 

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 8, 2011 at 12:41 am

    I can air my views with ease Nids…it’s just when it’s something about someone I’m not very close to that I’m disgruntled with, I can find it hard. I never used to be able to voice discomfort though but have learnt over the years. I do wish though I wasn’t as transparent when it came to my feelings written all over my face! I envy others then! πŸ˜›

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 8, 2011 at 12:41 am

    I can air my views with ease Nids…it’s just when it’s something about someone I’m not very close to that I’m disgruntled with, I can find it hard. I never used to be able to voice discomfort though but have learnt over the years. I do wish though I wasn’t as transparent when it came to my feelings written all over my face! I envy others then! πŸ˜›

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 8, 2011 at 12:51 am

    Haha…nice to see that Ayushi! Do you like it though? I get annoyed with it at times because I wish I could pretend sometimes at the very least!

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 8, 2011 at 12:51 am

    Haha…nice to see that Ayushi! Do you like it though? I get annoyed with it at times because I wish I could pretend sometimes at the very least!

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 8, 2011 at 1:02 am

    Oh yeah Shail…the narcissists for instance probably won’t notice a thing! πŸ˜› I wish sometimes I could successfully hide my feelings from others!

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 8, 2011 at 1:02 am

    Oh yeah Shail…the narcissists for instance probably won’t notice a thing! πŸ˜› I wish sometimes I could successfully hide my feelings from others!

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 8, 2011 at 3:16 am

    I know what you mean Chandana when you say it’s like a reflex action…that’s exactly what it is with me I think! Definite perks but definite drawbacks too…

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 8, 2011 at 3:16 am

    I know what you mean Chandana when you say it’s like a reflex action…that’s exactly what it is with me I think! Definite perks but definite drawbacks too…

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 8, 2011 at 3:17 am

    Someone like that would digust me too Lifesorchestra…don’t know if I’d be assertive enough to say what you did though but it would show on my face that I didn’t like them.

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 8, 2011 at 3:17 am

    Someone like that would digust me too Lifesorchestra…don’t know if I’d be assertive enough to say what you did though but it would show on my face that I didn’t like them.

  • Reply
    RESTLESS
    September 8, 2011 at 6:44 am

    Hi!! Could relate to all that u said in ur post!

    I too CAN NOT hide it when i dislike a person, and i don’t even think it’s worth it.Β  Even at places where i HAVE to be nice and polite, i make sure i am honest to myself and won’t give that genuine and heart felt smile or gesture or words or actions to that person. I know it’s superficial and bound by the social norms and the person also must know it.Β  And believe me,Β  he/she would know it!

    I too don’t like it much, like u.Β 

    I guess we have to learn to smooth out that frown with time and experience.Β  I too really really wonder how do people manage faking their behaviour with the ppl they don’t like.Β  It leaves me baffled!!

    tk care

    RESTLESS πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    RESTLESS
    September 8, 2011 at 6:44 am

    Hi!! Could relate to all that u said in ur post!

    I too CAN NOT hide it when i dislike a person, and i don’t even think it’s worth it.Β  Even at places where i HAVE to be nice and polite, i make sure i am honest to myself and won’t give that genuine and heart felt smile or gesture or words or actions to that person. I know it’s superficial and bound by the social norms and the person also must know it.Β  And believe me,Β  he/she would know it!

    I too don’t like it much, like u.Β 

    I guess we have to learn to smooth out that frown with time and experience.Β  I too really really wonder how do people manage faking their behaviour with the ppl they don’t like.Β  It leaves me baffled!!

    tk care

    RESTLESS πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    Bikram
    September 8, 2011 at 9:48 am

    Good one ..
    I have written about myself that I am very emotional and people have taken a lot of advantage of me and me being Idiot always falls for the same again …

  • Reply
    Bikram
    September 8, 2011 at 9:48 am

    Good one ..
    I have written about myself that I am very emotional and people have taken a lot of advantage of me and me being Idiot always falls for the same again …

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 8, 2011 at 11:06 am

    Have people close to you mentioned anything like that though T? Generally people that know us well are good witnesses to this. I remember years ago telling a friend that I was glad I wasn’t anxious like my mum and they cracked up as I was apparently almost exactly like mum but didn’t realise it…

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 8, 2011 at 11:06 am

    Have people close to you mentioned anything like that though T? Generally people that know us well are good witnesses to this. I remember years ago telling a friend that I was glad I wasn’t anxious like my mum and they cracked up as I was apparently almost exactly like mum but didn’t realise it…

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 8, 2011 at 11:08 am

    It really sucks most times, doesn’t it, Survivor? I must say though, it’s comforting to see some similar people here…

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 8, 2011 at 11:08 am

    It really sucks most times, doesn’t it, Survivor? I must say though, it’s comforting to see some similar people here…

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 8, 2011 at 11:10 am

    Lol…emotionally immature. But Nisha, sometimes it could be just more in tune with your feelings. After all kids who are not trained in appropriate display of emotions are probably like how you described and are more in tune with their true feelings….

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 8, 2011 at 11:10 am

    Lol…emotionally immature. But Nisha, sometimes it could be just more in tune with your feelings. After all kids who are not trained in appropriate display of emotions are probably like how you described and are more in tune with their true feelings….

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 8, 2011 at 11:12 am

    Ah ragging. Fortunately never went through that in college Comfy. Maybe that’s the key to training…difficult situations where you can’t show your true feelings!

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 8, 2011 at 11:12 am

    Ah ragging. Fortunately never went through that in college Comfy. Maybe that’s the key to training…difficult situations where you can’t show your true feelings!

  • Reply
    Maddie
    September 8, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    I am the same PB. Can’t hide a single thing. Even if the other person doesn’t know what is actually wrong with me, he or she will know that something is bothering me. However, after marriage I have learnt to at least keep my mouth shut about it rather than raving on and confronting. Sometimes it works for the best πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    Maddie
    September 8, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    I am the same PB. Can’t hide a single thing. Even if the other person doesn’t know what is actually wrong with me, he or she will know that something is bothering me. However, after marriage I have learnt to at least keep my mouth shut about it rather than raving on and confronting. Sometimes it works for the best πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    Sid
    September 8, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    Often our job means we need to hide our true feelings – telling a customer or a colleague what you think of them is probably not a good idea if it’s negative (however much you would love to). I find it easy not to and I put that down to being a trained actor! My family mocked my choice to do drama studies, but it is the best thing I ever did. Couldn’t get through a day without acting now.

    With friends, though, I am still careful depending on who they are. A friend was recently going through a tough time and was being pretty much an arsehole to everyone. Because of the situation, I felt it was not the right time to tell her she was being an arsehole and just tried to be there for her if she needed me.

    Sadly, it all went wrong. Those of the group who openly washed their hands of her got heartfelt apologies when she realised how awful she had been. She no longer speaks to me. It seems openly dissing her would have been the best option.

  • Reply
    Sid
    September 8, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    Often our job means we need to hide our true feelings – telling a customer or a colleague what you think of them is probably not a good idea if it’s negative (however much you would love to). I find it easy not to and I put that down to being a trained actor! My family mocked my choice to do drama studies, but it is the best thing I ever did. Couldn’t get through a day without acting now.

    With friends, though, I am still careful depending on who they are. A friend was recently going through a tough time and was being pretty much an arsehole to everyone. Because of the situation, I felt it was not the right time to tell her she was being an arsehole and just tried to be there for her if she needed me.

    Sadly, it all went wrong. Those of the group who openly washed their hands of her got heartfelt apologies when she realised how awful she had been. She no longer speaks to me. It seems openly dissing her would have been the best option.

  • Reply
    Priyanka Victor
    September 8, 2011 at 2:55 pm

    So transparent that people actually see the black clouds on my face. And my friend has to remind me to smile and be pleasant. And I don’t like it either, it’s like not having control over what we emote.

    People say that when someone is that transparent, it’s because they are good at heart:P True?

  • Reply
    Scribby
    September 8, 2011 at 7:20 pm

    we are so similar PB…so much similar on most of the grounds πŸ™‚ I just can’t fake the expressions on my face and you can certainly read what’s in my mind…

    like you know dil mein bhi wahi aur hotho pe bhi wahi types πŸ™‚ but not every one likes this in me..sometimes people think I’m rude enough to let them know what do I feel about them…I let them be and ask them to let me be πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 8, 2011 at 8:27 pm

    I know what you mean Jake…in the work place and in social situations, it does become important to be able to mask one’s feelings. Makes a big difference at times between say, getting a promotion to not getting one! I mean, what if we don’t like our bosses? We can’t show them the true feelings, can we? Fortunately so far, I have liked most of my managers. I dread the day I am not going to like one. And yes, in terms of faking it re likes and dislikes, well, again, we are similar but I realised that I can still be social with people different to me (honestly, when you go to a college where no girls like cricket and it’s your passion, you learn to adapt!) but by letting them know my true likes and dislikes. I will still attempt stuff (like I went to a nightclub back when I was 18 even though I hate dancing) but won’t do it again if I just can’t stand it!

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 8, 2011 at 8:28 pm

    Keeping mouth shut is not a problem with me Maddie unless the person asks me what’s going on! πŸ˜› Not very assertive, you see…But yeah, it’s frustrating at times when people can see your face and just know something is wrong! That’s the kind I tend to get more often than not.

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 8, 2011 at 8:32 pm

    Drama studies…damn…should have done some of that training! The work place is definitely the hardest in terms of hiding our true feelings. And that’s kinda what I am facing now with someone at work. Thankfully they only work part time so I get a break from them. Only time will tell how transparent I am. Re the ex-friend of yours…don’t you wish people were all alike?! I mean, most people would have appreciated being talked to privately as against openly…sorry about the broken friendship. Sucks when stuff like that happens.

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 8, 2011 at 8:34 pm

    Oh Priyanka…I like your take on the reason behind it…a good heart! I’m all for that! πŸ™‚ But wow, you are very transparent! That’s good sometimes because at least people who know you will know when you are upset with them and stuff…can help solve a problem long before you stew on it and make it bigger!

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 8, 2011 at 8:35 pm

    Ah Nu…that’s the problem isn’t it…people think it’s rude. I can refrain from saying my thoughts unless asked…but I can’t stop the reaction on my face and other nonverbal behaviours.

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 8, 2011 at 8:37 pm

    Oh I agree with you Restless about finding it baffling how people fake it with people they don’t like. I remember having a flatmate when living on campus who hated this Resident Assistant but was so nice to her and would bake cakes for her and stuff!!! Go figure. Me on the other hand, who also hated this woman, would only give her a small smile if I passed her by. Don’t see the point in putting in effort for that. But at the same time, while I agree with you that it’s not worth it, I wonder what would happen if we had a manager we didn’t like. Times like those it would be good if our dislike didn’t come across on our faces as it could cost us our jobs!

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 8, 2011 at 8:38 pm

    See Bikram…that’s where it becomes even more difficult…when people take advantage once they figure you out. Don’t like that one bit!

  • Reply
    Prats
    September 9, 2011 at 3:54 am

    Even I am transparent and it is difficult to hide emotions from people who know me well. and I quite agree with your post that though there are issues with it but then it helps too πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 9, 2011 at 5:57 am

    It is comforting to know there are other similar people Prats… πŸ™‚

  • Reply
    Prathama Raghavan
    September 9, 2011 at 6:32 am

    I think I have learnt over the years to adapt my transparency. I used to
    be like Nids before.. but I learnt the hard way that it was doing me
    and my relationships any good. I would always have outbursts when I
    could not handle someone anymore.
    Now I can speak my mind to people I know closely (but I do sometimes have difficulty).

    I have been brought up true to the Indian society where you hate certain family members and then buy them a saree for Diwali πŸ™‚ Lot of learning to undo, its taking time.

    I totally love transparent people but I see what you mean, a balance is required, especially working in the field of mental health.

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 9, 2011 at 7:51 am

    Indian society does teach that doesn’t it? Even if you despise the aunty, you have to pretend to be nice. That’s why I am not liked by the extended family as I won’t fake it. I guess it’s all about tact and transparency…

  • Reply
    Jake
    September 9, 2011 at 8:11 am

    oh, I try stuff too, you can’t tell if you like something or not without trying. So Β I’ve tried dragging myself to night clubs but just could not stand the atmosphere or the music. I know what you mean about the boss situation, my boss was a complete dick at my first job, I couldn’t stand him neither could anyone else one the team but since then I’ve seen greener pastures , my current boss is a really nice guy.

  • Reply
    adayinlifeofmom
    September 9, 2011 at 2:46 pm

    I don’t know if I’m transparent all the time..DH and few close friends can read even slightest expression of dislike or unhappiness..so I’m an open book to them..

    but with others, it is complex…I am usually reserved, introvert type and have limits for people..Sometimes I ignore them, just small talks etc and avoid whenever possible.. once they reach a limit, they get a piece of my mind.. I don’t fight with them as I have to see them everyday and that’s where my dark skill of sarcasm comes in handy..
    Oh Psych Babbler, I think I am evil πŸ˜‰

  • Reply
    Bloomingwiltinglily
    September 10, 2011 at 10:35 am

    even i cant hide my feelings at all.. neither i want to hide my feelings. one way or the other I express my feelings.. when my mother in law become angry on me (which she do very often), without saying a word.. or without burning food.. or without throwing utensils out of home (though I urge to do everything very desperately).. or breaking crockery.. my face convey the message..!! I usually get comments from my friends and relatives to be little diplomatic.. but I cant.. really cant do that..Β 

    M very happy to see this blog.. there are other people also who are like me.. thanks for sharing..

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 10, 2011 at 11:01 pm

    True…like you, couldn’t stand the night clubs either. Give me a pub or bar any day! I dread the day I have to work for a boss who is a dick..not sure how I will fare. And somehow, health professionals tend to have lots of problems! Go figure… πŸ˜›

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 10, 2011 at 11:02 pm

    Haha…lol Adayinlifeofmom…you’re not evil…just able to manage your emotions until it reaches a certain point!

  • Reply
    Psych Babbler
    September 10, 2011 at 11:07 pm

    Welcome to this space Bloomingwiltinglily! I agree…in situations like you described, there’s no point in being diplomatic. Although you are being quite diplomatic by not acting on the impulses! πŸ˜› Do keep visiting…and thanks for the comment!

  • Reply
    RESTLESS
    September 14, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    tks for the reply!

    But i think the popularity of a person really depends on how well he or she can fake. That means ppl who cannot… often are generally unpopular, howsoever genuine they are.

    This disturbs me a lot, and i really wonder how to be a ppl’s person?! isn’t that good to be liked by so many? instead of just being understood by a few? I know i am taking the topic somewhere else, but i know u r a psychologist, so u can tell me this πŸ™‚

    tks!

  • Reply
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  • Reply
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