Life lessons

On being let down

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I have a problem with people letting me down. I hate it. But at the same time, I find that I expect it. Sometime, somehow, somewhere, people are going to eventually let me down. No matter how close we are. No matter how much we love each other. They will let me down. Family. Friends. Partners. Colleagues.

Is that pessimistic?

Possibly.

Is it justified?

Maybe.

I have had a history of being let down. And I think to some extent, it has scarred me.

I think that’s why I feel like I can never depend on anyone and can be overly independent.

I love my parents. But they have let me down when I was younger. Without completely blaming them, let’s just say I had an experience where I was promised one of them wouldn’t leave but they did anyway. And another said they would attend some of my awards nights but never did in high school {I have truly forgiven them and hold no grudges!} I had friends who would cancel plans or just leave a friendship. With no valid reason. I think I was still ok until my undergraduate years when I had this friend who pretty much used me. I was her “shit pot” {yes, she referred to me as that} — the person whom she could unload all her shit to but never there to return the favour. She was the one who would make plans with me and then if something better came up {like hanging out with the cooler crowd that did drugs and smoked}, I’d be dropped. Unfortunately, I was never assertive back then and didn’t say a word. But it hurt.

Here in Sydney one of my closest friends J started to do that a few years ago. Cancel on me after we made plans, that is. I thought of letting it go and resenting her and well, just continue the journey of people letting me down. But for a change I didn’t. I communicated. And thankfully, J hasn’t let me down since. She didn’t realise what she was doing and apologised for the same.

Having said that, I’m still apprehensive. Whenever I make plans with people, I find that I have to still confirm the day before if we are still on. As my friend N said, I have a problem with people cancelling on me. {N is famous for cancelling but then, she does it to all of us…not just me!} Even after I make plans with people, I invariably assume they will cancel at the last minute and therefore try my best to not get excited. Sure, it doesn’t always work. I get excited and then, well, the let down is hard!

Recently, The English Guy has been doing that. Three cancellations in two weeks. All for apparently valid reasons. And he’s been apologetic. But I still hate it. It makes me feel like shit. At the same time, I’m not surprised. I wonder if at some level, I attract people who I know will let me down!

When I talk about being let down, it’s not like I’m having exceedingly high expectations of the person at the start. I’m not expecting them to bring me the moon or the stars. But even with the simplest things, I tend to get let down.

To the point where I wonder whether I should let go off all expectations.

After all, if you don’t expect anything, you can’t be let down, right?

Problem is, it’s bloody hard to do!

So tell me, how do you deal with stuff like this?

Do you find that people often let you down?

How do you deal with that?

***Linking up with Jess and others over at IBOT***


Until next time,

Cheers!!!

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  • Reply
    NS
    May 28, 2013 at 5:12 pm

    Well, being let-down repeatedly isn’t a great feeling. And there is no point ignoring it all the time because after a while, you become indifferent and detached. The relation ends anyway. A person who is true and genuine, will always stick around. You just know who they are..
    NS recently posted…A Little Bit Of SunshineMy Profile

  • Reply
    NS
    May 28, 2013 at 5:12 pm

    Well, being let-down repeatedly isn’t a great feeling. And there is no point ignoring it all the time because after a while, you become indifferent and detached. The relation ends anyway. A person who is true and genuine, will always stick around. You just know who they are..
    NS recently posted…A Little Bit Of SunshineMy Profile

  • Reply
    Nishita
    May 28, 2013 at 5:18 pm

    aww, that’s bad. It happens often to me too. I have realized off late that everybody has their own life, their own commitments and let downs are to be expected, but it’s disappointing when that happens…the more so when I am very particular not to let down others.

    My mom and dad instilled me in from a very young age that if I promise something I should always keep it. If I am not sure, upfront let people know and I try to stick to that as far as possible. But I am sure, I let people down too 🙁
    Nishita recently posted…May Meme: Classics Club Question #10My Profile

  • Reply
    Nishita
    May 28, 2013 at 5:18 pm

    aww, that’s bad. It happens often to me too. I have realized off late that everybody has their own life, their own commitments and let downs are to be expected, but it’s disappointing when that happens…the more so when I am very particular not to let down others.

    My mom and dad instilled me in from a very young age that if I promise something I should always keep it. If I am not sure, upfront let people know and I try to stick to that as far as possible. But I am sure, I let people down too 🙁
    Nishita recently posted…May Meme: Classics Club Question #10My Profile

  • Reply
    Magali
    May 28, 2013 at 5:32 pm

    I was nodding my head the whole time I was reading this post. I SO understand what you’re saying, I feel so similar.
    Two years ago I was very close friends with this one guy. Like very very close. We bonded so easily. I was the first person he came out to. We talked on the phone almost every day, regardless of whether we had met. And he consulted me on every major life decision because apparently I give good advise.
    He had a lot of behavioral problems that started to tick me off but I always let them slid because he had a very troubled childhood & family situation. So over the course of one year he was in some or the other deep shit on a weekly basis, some of it he obviously couldn’t control but the rest seemed to be because he actually liked drama. Anyway I was there with him every step of the way, through every little time he went through. I could tell he was jealous because my life is very stable in comparison. I keep my head down in general & do not like drama. Anyway at the end of one year I found out I was going to have some major problems at college – my attendance was lacking & they didn’t let me give the final exam. That was the only time I turned to him for moral support, in tears & his first reaction was to smile gleefully. I confronted him but he gave me some crap like ‘this is how his face is’ (as if I didn’t know his face by then!
    I chose to ignore it then & there but over the next two to three days I was home he tried getting in touch with me numerous times & his only concern was how my mom took it, he wanted to know what I had to face at home. Like I know he’s been through shit all his life but I always supported him & this is how he returns the favor the ONE time I needed him? I ended the friendship then & there. He tried apologizing a few months later but it was So insincere, he claimed I was making a big deal out of nothing. So yeah, I’ve had some pretty shitty friend experiences all my life but this has been the worst so far & for the last year (there have been some other things) I keep questioning whether I only attract terribly damaged people.
    Sorry for the mini personal life dump but I absolutely get what you mean. I agree that it would be easier to let go of expectations but I can’t. I think I am at least a decent human being (not good but decent) with some principles & expect that basic amount of decency from others as well. Otherwise, I’d rather die alone because they are not worth my time.
    So as you can see, I don’t think I deal with this stuff very well, so not the best example 🙁
    One tip I can offer is something you probably already know. How did the English Guy sound when apologizing? Did it seem sincere?
    I know you haven’t known him very long but you really need to try & trust your instinct / gut on this.

  • Reply
    Magali
    May 28, 2013 at 5:32 pm

    I was nodding my head the whole time I was reading this post. I SO understand what you’re saying, I feel so similar.
    Two years ago I was very close friends with this one guy. Like very very close. We bonded so easily. I was the first person he came out to. We talked on the phone almost every day, regardless of whether we had met. And he consulted me on every major life decision because apparently I give good advise.
    He had a lot of behavioral problems that started to tick me off but I always let them slid because he had a very troubled childhood & family situation. So over the course of one year he was in some or the other deep shit on a weekly basis, some of it he obviously couldn’t control but the rest seemed to be because he actually liked drama. Anyway I was there with him every step of the way, through every little time he went through. I could tell he was jealous because my life is very stable in comparison. I keep my head down in general & do not like drama. Anyway at the end of one year I found out I was going to have some major problems at college – my attendance was lacking & they didn’t let me give the final exam. That was the only time I turned to him for moral support, in tears & his first reaction was to smile gleefully. I confronted him but he gave me some crap like ‘this is how his face is’ (as if I didn’t know his face by then!
    I chose to ignore it then & there but over the next two to three days I was home he tried getting in touch with me numerous times & his only concern was how my mom took it, he wanted to know what I had to face at home. Like I know he’s been through shit all his life but I always supported him & this is how he returns the favor the ONE time I needed him? I ended the friendship then & there. He tried apologizing a few months later but it was So insincere, he claimed I was making a big deal out of nothing. So yeah, I’ve had some pretty shitty friend experiences all my life but this has been the worst so far & for the last year (there have been some other things) I keep questioning whether I only attract terribly damaged people.
    Sorry for the mini personal life dump but I absolutely get what you mean. I agree that it would be easier to let go of expectations but I can’t. I think I am at least a decent human being (not good but decent) with some principles & expect that basic amount of decency from others as well. Otherwise, I’d rather die alone because they are not worth my time.
    So as you can see, I don’t think I deal with this stuff very well, so not the best example 🙁
    One tip I can offer is something you probably already know. How did the English Guy sound when apologizing? Did it seem sincere?
    I know you haven’t known him very long but you really need to try & trust your instinct / gut on this.

  • Reply
    R's Mom
    May 28, 2013 at 5:41 pm

    Awww! hugs rey

    nope, honestly I dont think it bothers me too much if people cancel on me..its fine..they have something better to do and someone better to go with eh? I dont think I get affected by it too often..

    AFter R has been born, I am very careful to what I commit and to whom I commit..I keep in mind that with a kid at home, often promises may be broken…so I take care of that
    R’s Mom recently posted…Buoyancy and Marriage VowsMy Profile

  • Reply
    R's Mom
    May 28, 2013 at 5:41 pm

    Awww! hugs rey

    nope, honestly I dont think it bothers me too much if people cancel on me..its fine..they have something better to do and someone better to go with eh? I dont think I get affected by it too often..

    AFter R has been born, I am very careful to what I commit and to whom I commit..I keep in mind that with a kid at home, often promises may be broken…so I take care of that
    R’s Mom recently posted…Buoyancy and Marriage VowsMy Profile

  • Reply
    redlandcitygirl
    May 28, 2013 at 5:55 pm

    I hate it when people keep changing plans – I have a couple of friends that are very good at this and it drives me NUTS! To me, if I commit to something, I will move heaven and hell to follow through …

    Visiting from Team IBOT xxx
    redlandcitygirl recently posted…My Old Faithful JumperMy Profile

  • Reply
    redlandcitygirl
    May 28, 2013 at 5:55 pm

    I hate it when people keep changing plans – I have a couple of friends that are very good at this and it drives me NUTS! To me, if I commit to something, I will move heaven and hell to follow through …

    Visiting from Team IBOT xxx
    redlandcitygirl recently posted…My Old Faithful JumperMy Profile

  • Reply
    Smita
    May 28, 2013 at 8:14 pm

    Of course I feel bad when am let down and the only way to handle is to speak upfront to the person who is letting u down (as u did with ur fren). But to think about it and feel bad “why does it happen to me always” will never help you. Trust me
    Smita recently posted…May Photo A Day : Day 28 : What You’re Doing NowMy Profile

  • Reply
    Smita
    May 28, 2013 at 8:14 pm

    Of course I feel bad when am let down and the only way to handle is to speak upfront to the person who is letting u down (as u did with ur fren). But to think about it and feel bad “why does it happen to me always” will never help you. Trust me
    Smita recently posted…May Photo A Day : Day 28 : What You’re Doing NowMy Profile

  • Reply
    robyn @slightly deep
    May 28, 2013 at 10:47 pm

    This makes me sad. I think it’s partly a thing we are developing as a culture, but I also think there are certain people who are more like it than others. Reading this has gotten me thinking, that maybe I am a bit of a plan-changer and canceller. Mostly because I am just really disorganized. But I am going to try really hard to work on this now!
    robyn @slightly deep recently posted…What makes a human?My Profile

  • Reply
    robyn @slightly deep
    May 28, 2013 at 10:47 pm

    This makes me sad. I think it’s partly a thing we are developing as a culture, but I also think there are certain people who are more like it than others. Reading this has gotten me thinking, that maybe I am a bit of a plan-changer and canceller. Mostly because I am just really disorganized. But I am going to try really hard to work on this now!
    robyn @slightly deep recently posted…What makes a human?My Profile

  • Reply
    D
    May 29, 2013 at 5:35 am

    Are you being pessimistic? Maybe. What you ARE doing though is letting your past decide your future. You’ve tuned yourself into a frequency which attracts similar experiences. So, change your frequency. Stop visualising that things will go wrong because they have in the past. Easier said than done, I know. But I’m trying. So can you 🙂
    D recently posted…The pace makerMy Profile

  • Reply
    D
    May 29, 2013 at 5:35 am

    Are you being pessimistic? Maybe. What you ARE doing though is letting your past decide your future. You’ve tuned yourself into a frequency which attracts similar experiences. So, change your frequency. Stop visualising that things will go wrong because they have in the past. Easier said than done, I know. But I’m trying. So can you 🙂
    D recently posted…The pace makerMy Profile

  • Reply
    Katyberry
    May 29, 2013 at 9:15 am

    I know this feeling – I think that we probably all do.
    For me, it mostly hits home hard when I have organised something that takes effort – going out to dinner for a birthday, having a party at home. It’s hard not to take a casual, last minute Oh I can’t come, as a personal cut.
    Back when I was younger I have pulled out of parties etc at the last minute, figuring no-one would really care if I was there or not, but as I’ve got older I’ve realised just what poor form that is. If someone has invited you, it is because they want your company. How flattering is that.
    But try not to let it get you too down – it is rarely meant as a personal slight.
    Katyberry recently posted…Hopeless networkers: REPRESENT!My Profile

  • Reply
    Katyberry
    May 29, 2013 at 9:15 am

    I know this feeling – I think that we probably all do.
    For me, it mostly hits home hard when I have organised something that takes effort – going out to dinner for a birthday, having a party at home. It’s hard not to take a casual, last minute Oh I can’t come, as a personal cut.
    Back when I was younger I have pulled out of parties etc at the last minute, figuring no-one would really care if I was there or not, but as I’ve got older I’ve realised just what poor form that is. If someone has invited you, it is because they want your company. How flattering is that.
    But try not to let it get you too down – it is rarely meant as a personal slight.
    Katyberry recently posted…Hopeless networkers: REPRESENT!My Profile

  • Reply
    Rina
    May 29, 2013 at 6:27 pm

    I hate it when people think my time isn’t as precious as theirs, and they start changing plans, canceling or just take my well-being for granted. Once I could probably tolerate it but twice is too much and third time? It’s a hobby, a bad habit that won’t go away so easily. Need to get away from people like that 😀
    Rina recently posted…Birthday JoyMy Profile

  • Reply
    missRBit
    May 29, 2013 at 8:30 pm

    I can identify with what you’re saying PB but I have realised I shouldn’t taken it personally because it’s just what some people do and it’s never intended for you personally. I have a problem with people being late – it’s like saying my time is not worth anything but I’m trying more and more not to take it personally.
    missRBit recently posted…Chicks At The Flicks: The Great GatsbyMy Profile

  • Reply
    EssentiallyJess
    May 30, 2013 at 8:26 pm

    I think it’s a part of life that people will let you down; we’re all imperfect and it’s just going to happen.I try to adjust my expectations o it doesn’t hurt as much, but even that doesn’t work all the time. xxx
    EssentiallyJess recently posted…Sleep is for the CleverMy Profile

  • Reply
    Avada Kedavra
    May 31, 2013 at 8:42 am

    I hate it when people do this to me. One of my best friends has been doing this to me. If she has nothing else to do or no cooler friends to hang out with, she calls me up. So now I have stopped meeting her since hubby thinks she just uses me. I have stopped keeping expectations whenever she says she will meet me. I never do this to people. If I say I will meet, I will work hard to keep it up. If I am doubtful, I will say that to the other person so that they dont keep hoping that I will be able to make it.
    Avada Kedavra recently posted…The Best of me, The Choice and The Motorcycle DiariesMy Profile

  • Reply
    Chris
    May 31, 2013 at 9:35 am

    Awww. 🙁 This is so sad to read. I almost get the sense that you think you personally have been chosen to be let down. This is simply not the case. We are all let down at one time or another, usually many times in our lifetime. And yes, it can be by very big things, like your example of a parent leaving.

    Your sense is that if they just loved you enough they wouldn’t let you down at all. This is simply not true. Here’s a very, very hard exercise for you, but if you’re up to it, please just try it. Think about a time *you* let someone else down. I can pretty much guaranteed it’s happened. It could be anyone, it could even be a pet. Think about any time you’ve said you would do something, then real life got in the way. *You* felt you had a legitimate reason. Maybe it even felt impossible for you to keep your promise. Well, it’s no different for anyone else, including, almost definitely, the people you feel have let you down.

    Don’t be afraid of being let down, and don’t go through life thinking you’ve somehow been singled out. Real life happens and NOBODY, I promise you, can keep from letting down someone else once in a while. It’s no reason to be sad or scared. I promise you you’ll feel better about this over time.
    Chris recently posted…Yoga for FertilityMy Profile

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