Life lessons

My biggest fear

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Yesterday I noticed that Raychael from Ms Mystery Case was hosting the ‘I must confess’ linky and getting everyone to confess their biggest fears. It’s a funny coincidence because I had been toying with the idea of blogging about my biggest fear this past week. It is a fear that is hard to talk about and is something I have only voiced out loud to one person — my therapist. And it was during our second session. It has been a fear that has probably been at the back of my mind all the time but it can come to the fore in times when I am incredibly vulnerable.

It is not a fear I have mentioned to anyone else. Not my closest friends. Not my family. No one. And yet, here I am about to talk about it openly to the whole world. Go figure.

I fear that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. 

Now, I know I have been single since 2012, but even when I was in a relationship with The Ex, I had this fear. I felt alone in that relationship. Just a worse kind of alone-ness. Because you are with someone and yet, alone. I think though in a weird way, the fear of being completely alone made me stay in that dead end relationship a lot longer than I should have and I’m glad I eventually had the courage to end it. But it doesn’t make this fear go away. The thing is, it’s not just about being single. I have a few single older colleagues at work but I notice one big thing that is different between them and me — they have family here. I don’t.

I am well and truly by myself. My sister is in Canada. My parents in India.

I do have great friends here in Australia who I call my family but at the end of the day, I know that they have their responsibilities, their lives and well, their families. Sure, none of them has kids yet but you can bet things will change even more once they do. I don’t intend on having children of my own. {Let’s blame my job for that…} And it makes me wonder whether that decision will create a bigger gap. Because after all, you see mothers befriending mothers through their kids.

While I do have this fear, I am still not willing to settle for just anyone nor have an arranged marriage nor stay in a dead relationship {like I know some people do}. Because I’ve been there. And in the end, it’s worse for my mental health. I think though it’s because of this fear I keep myself so busy. Because if I wasn’t busy, I’d be home. Alone. With two cats. While I am comfortable in my own company and can do things on my own, it’s still a pretty sad thing if that were to happen every night!

I watch people sometimes when I go for a walk by myself. I notice the couples, the families, the sisters, the siblings. And the fear looms it ugly head. I don’t have that. Not the partner. Not the sister. Not the parents. {I still wouldn’t move back to India!!!}. Not the kids. I go through moments of wondering what is wrong with me. Why is it that I am alone. Why for some reason after 3 or 4 dates, guys seem to have second thoughts.

I remember telling my therapist I felt guilty for having this fear. Because I chose to move away from  family to a different country for better opportunities. And I am grateful for my opportunities and for so much in my life. She was the one who told me I can be grateful and I can be scared and sad. It’s okay to feel it all.

It feels weird having rambled on about this fear. But this is a space where I am honest and open. No matter how imperfect I am or my life is.

What is your biggest fear?

Do share!!

***Linking with Raychael for I Must Confess and Jess for IBOT***

P.S. Have you entered the Imperfect Giveaway yet? It ends on the 31st of July!

photo credit: VinothChandar via photopin cc

Until next time,

Cheers!!!

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  • Raychael aka Mystery Case
    July 29, 2014 at 9:36 am

    Thanks so much for linking up and for sharing your fear. I’m pleased to hear you aren’t willing to settle.
    Raychael aka Mystery Case recently posted…A Mystery Case Confession | My biggest fearMy Profile

  • Raychael aka Mystery Case
    July 29, 2014 at 9:36 am

    Thanks so much for linking up and for sharing your fear. I’m pleased to hear you aren’t willing to settle.
    Raychael aka Mystery Case recently posted…A Mystery Case Confession | My biggest fearMy Profile

  • Bec @ The Plumbette
    July 29, 2014 at 3:00 pm

    The fear of being alone is one that many people experience at some point in their lives. I feared the same thing before I met my husband. The key in your situation is to remain positive that you will meet someone but also in the meantime build up a friendship group or village so you don’t feel alone. Easy said than done. I bet it’s hard having family overseas? X
    Bec @ The Plumbette recently posted…Be wary of quick turnaround renovatorsMy Profile

  • Bec @ The Plumbette
    July 29, 2014 at 3:00 pm

    The fear of being alone is one that many people experience at some point in their lives. I feared the same thing before I met my husband. The key in your situation is to remain positive that you will meet someone but also in the meantime build up a friendship group or village so you don’t feel alone. Easy said than done. I bet it’s hard having family overseas? X
    Bec @ The Plumbette recently posted…Be wary of quick turnaround renovatorsMy Profile

  • Eloquent Mind
    July 29, 2014 at 6:37 pm

    I can’t help noticing how similar our fears are. Just the difference being – you are working and staying alone abroad and have family back in India. My family is in India too (read – not the parents or sibling, I am talking about the extended family like cousins, uncles, aunts) but even when I am in India amidst them, I feel alone. I don’t know which one is bad. But believe me, finding yourself alone in a room full of your own kin feels equally scary. They say cousins are your first friends and in my case I haven’t been in touch with my cousins. It bothered me at first but now I feel nothing. Having a small family of my own matters more than having people in family who aren’t interested to talk to you.

    It takes courage to state our fears. You just outdid yourself on that. Great post.
    Eloquent Mind recently posted…I can’t live without…My Profile

  • Eloquent Mind
    July 29, 2014 at 6:37 pm

    I can’t help noticing how similar our fears are. Just the difference being – you are working and staying alone abroad and have family back in India. My family is in India too (read – not the parents or sibling, I am talking about the extended family like cousins, uncles, aunts) but even when I am in India amidst them, I feel alone. I don’t know which one is bad. But believe me, finding yourself alone in a room full of your own kin feels equally scary. They say cousins are your first friends and in my case I haven’t been in touch with my cousins. It bothered me at first but now I feel nothing. Having a small family of my own matters more than having people in family who aren’t interested to talk to you.

    It takes courage to state our fears. You just outdid yourself on that. Great post.
    Eloquent Mind recently posted…I can’t live without…My Profile

  • Janet aka Middle Aged Mama
    July 29, 2014 at 8:06 pm

    I found my hubster when I wasn’t looking … I’d just left a disastrous relationship adn SO wasn’t looking for anything other than to have fun. So you just never know what’s around the corner! As for my biggest fear – getting my wisdom teeth out. TERRIFIED.
    Janet aka Middle Aged Mama recently posted…A Kitty-Shaped Hole in my HeartMy Profile

  • Janet aka Middle Aged Mama
    July 29, 2014 at 8:06 pm

    I found my hubster when I wasn’t looking … I’d just left a disastrous relationship adn SO wasn’t looking for anything other than to have fun. So you just never know what’s around the corner! As for my biggest fear – getting my wisdom teeth out. TERRIFIED.
    Janet aka Middle Aged Mama recently posted…A Kitty-Shaped Hole in my HeartMy Profile

  • Cathy Graham
    July 30, 2014 at 1:25 am

    Good for you for being so honest about your fear of being alone. It takes courage to admit fears, for sure.

    I fear failure and therefore don’t always push myself to achieve goals as much as I could. My inner critic says to me, don’t bother making all that effort. You’ll just fail at it anyhow. I especially feel this about job hunting since I’ve been home 10 years with my kids and it seems daunting to look for work at this life stage.

    I thought your post was so well written and candid. I’m sure you’re not alone in that fear you have. Many of us feel the same especially as we age and think about death and our spouse dying before us.

    Good you got out of a bad relationship though as that can make you feel more alone than your own company can.

    Thanks for sharing and hope you have friends whom you can feel close to. Friends are often much better than family anyhow as they don’t have all that baggage going back to childhood.
    Cathy Graham recently posted…UBC Day 29 – Take a risk!My Profile

  • Cathy Graham
    July 30, 2014 at 1:25 am

    Good for you for being so honest about your fear of being alone. It takes courage to admit fears, for sure.

    I fear failure and therefore don’t always push myself to achieve goals as much as I could. My inner critic says to me, don’t bother making all that effort. You’ll just fail at it anyhow. I especially feel this about job hunting since I’ve been home 10 years with my kids and it seems daunting to look for work at this life stage.

    I thought your post was so well written and candid. I’m sure you’re not alone in that fear you have. Many of us feel the same especially as we age and think about death and our spouse dying before us.

    Good you got out of a bad relationship though as that can make you feel more alone than your own company can.

    Thanks for sharing and hope you have friends whom you can feel close to. Friends are often much better than family anyhow as they don’t have all that baggage going back to childhood.
    Cathy Graham recently posted…UBC Day 29 – Take a risk!My Profile

  • Swathi Shenoy
    July 30, 2014 at 2:23 am

    My biggest fear has always been not being able to express what I feel! I feel like I will be trapped in my own thoughts without voicing them ever! I try to speak up and overcome it but it never works out 🙁
    Swathi Shenoy recently posted…A Magical Reality!My Profile

  • Swathi Shenoy
    July 30, 2014 at 2:23 am

    My biggest fear has always been not being able to express what I feel! I feel like I will be trapped in my own thoughts without voicing them ever! I try to speak up and overcome it but it never works out 🙁
    Swathi Shenoy recently posted…A Magical Reality!My Profile

  • Fab
    July 30, 2014 at 2:57 pm

    I think ending up lonely is a basic human fear, one we all share regardless of our current circumstances. I’m a believer in the fact that you’ll meet your special someone when you least expect it and the wait will be well worth it.You are awesome Sanch, and you deserve the best!
    Fab recently posted…Review: Omved Daily Night Foot OilMy Profile

  • Fab
    July 30, 2014 at 2:57 pm

    I think ending up lonely is a basic human fear, one we all share regardless of our current circumstances. I’m a believer in the fact that you’ll meet your special someone when you least expect it and the wait will be well worth it.You are awesome Sanch, and you deserve the best!
    Fab recently posted…Review: Omved Daily Night Foot OilMy Profile

  • simple girl
    July 31, 2014 at 2:29 pm

    I do not know what my biggest fear is, but the fact is I am always alone, whether I am with people/family or without them. At times I am scared because how can having a family mean that I am alone, but the point is that I feel I am truly alone .. In a way I have developed few strategies to get over this sad feeling of being alone, but then at times I do give in and rue over the fact …
    simple girl recently posted…Trying to be sane…My Profile

  • simple girl
    July 31, 2014 at 2:29 pm

    I do not know what my biggest fear is, but the fact is I am always alone, whether I am with people/family or without them. At times I am scared because how can having a family mean that I am alone, but the point is that I feel I am truly alone .. In a way I have developed few strategies to get over this sad feeling of being alone, but then at times I do give in and rue over the fact …
    simple girl recently posted…Trying to be sane…My Profile

  • Zita
    July 31, 2014 at 6:07 pm

    I know exactly what you mean and I feel I could have written this post myself! It’s been about 12 years since the last thing I would call a relationship ended and there’s so many times I wonder what’s wrong with me and if I’m ever going to find anyone. I am a little older than you so am now at a stage where I have very few single friends, all my closest friends are married and with kids and it has definitely changed our friendship which is sad and inevitable (despite their assurances it won’t!). I am slowly trying to overcome this fear and just work on being the best me I can be and not letting single old stop me from living my dream – just need to work out what the single version of that is!!!
    Zita recently posted…to share some Sydney holiday picsMy Profile

  • Zita
    July 31, 2014 at 6:07 pm

    I know exactly what you mean and I feel I could have written this post myself! It’s been about 12 years since the last thing I would call a relationship ended and there’s so many times I wonder what’s wrong with me and if I’m ever going to find anyone. I am a little older than you so am now at a stage where I have very few single friends, all my closest friends are married and with kids and it has definitely changed our friendship which is sad and inevitable (despite their assurances it won’t!). I am slowly trying to overcome this fear and just work on being the best me I can be and not letting single old stop me from living my dream – just need to work out what the single version of that is!!!
    Zita recently posted…to share some Sydney holiday picsMy Profile

  • EssentiallyJess
    July 31, 2014 at 8:29 pm

    Thanks for sharing. I can’t imagine that was easy.
    My biggest fear? Pro ably letting my kids down. I do worry I’m not a good enough mum.
    EssentiallyJess recently posted…A Country Practice #IBOTMy Profile

  • EssentiallyJess
    July 31, 2014 at 8:29 pm

    Thanks for sharing. I can’t imagine that was easy.
    My biggest fear? Pro ably letting my kids down. I do worry I’m not a good enough mum.
    EssentiallyJess recently posted…A Country Practice #IBOTMy Profile

  • J.Gi Federizo
    August 1, 2014 at 3:25 pm

    I don’t know what my biggest fear is simply because I have many of them. But I try to rise above the situations or fight back the fears. Since I am not perfect, of course, I sometimes fail, but since there is no better person to help me overcome them than myself, I try to have more faith on myself and try again.

    The fear of growing old alone used to bother me until I decided that if that’s where I’m going, I might as well find ways to be happy than sulk. In the past, there were even younger girls who insisted I must be depressed for not even having a romantic relationship and it struck me as funny — is depression supposed to be a requirement if you don’t have a special someone? So if from now till I die I stay alone, I should just stay depressed, take things sitting down and weep the whole time? LOL!!!!

    Incidentally, when I was really preparing myself for a lifetime of singlehood, here came someone unexpectedly. I do hope that we stay forever-forever. Right now, it seems that way and we’re happy despite the trials…So hang in there, Sanch, just enjoy your life, and maybe when you least expect it, the right guy for you will come. Or the right people who will become your family, one way or another. Perhaps, you are meant to serve a higher purpose so you have to go through this…
    J.Gi Federizo recently posted…Roundup Philippines: A country that has it allMy Profile

  • J.Gi Federizo
    August 1, 2014 at 3:25 pm

    I don’t know what my biggest fear is simply because I have many of them. But I try to rise above the situations or fight back the fears. Since I am not perfect, of course, I sometimes fail, but since there is no better person to help me overcome them than myself, I try to have more faith on myself and try again.

    The fear of growing old alone used to bother me until I decided that if that’s where I’m going, I might as well find ways to be happy than sulk. In the past, there were even younger girls who insisted I must be depressed for not even having a romantic relationship and it struck me as funny — is depression supposed to be a requirement if you don’t have a special someone? So if from now till I die I stay alone, I should just stay depressed, take things sitting down and weep the whole time? LOL!!!!

    Incidentally, when I was really preparing myself for a lifetime of singlehood, here came someone unexpectedly. I do hope that we stay forever-forever. Right now, it seems that way and we’re happy despite the trials…So hang in there, Sanch, just enjoy your life, and maybe when you least expect it, the right guy for you will come. Or the right people who will become your family, one way or another. Perhaps, you are meant to serve a higher purpose so you have to go through this…
    J.Gi Federizo recently posted…Roundup Philippines: A country that has it allMy Profile

  • Charlotte
    August 3, 2014 at 8:14 pm

    It’s one of my fears too! Being alone is a scary subject, So many things to consider. Coming from Mystery case Link up!
    Charlotte recently posted…iPhone Free App Signal prevents others from listening to your callMy Profile

  • Charlotte
    August 3, 2014 at 8:14 pm

    It’s one of my fears too! Being alone is a scary subject, So many things to consider. Coming from Mystery case Link up!
    Charlotte recently posted…iPhone Free App Signal prevents others from listening to your callMy Profile

  • Alone - Living my Imperfect Life
    May 11, 2015 at 9:28 am

    […] case of the sads and cynical thoughts such as this {which I’ve previously spoken about in therapy} have resurfaced. Maybe I’ve taken on way too much and am not coping too well. I’m […]

  • Alone - Living my Imperfect Life
    May 11, 2015 at 9:28 am

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