All about the mind

The time I wanted to end my life

U4CMOIW6TI

When I was 16 years old and in Year 12, I wanted to end my life. I got as far as getting my wallet and walking out of the house without telling anyone with the sole purpose of buying what I needed to end my life.

***

Halfway through Year 11, I had finally realised I wanted to become a psychologist. Over the holidays, I figured I wasn’t really cut out to become a journalist and perhaps, becoming a counsellor for teenagers was the best option. After all, in India, teens struggled with no one to talk to. A few months into my HSC year, I was struggling too. I wanted to do well academically in order to get psychology as one of my subjects the year after.

If you know anything about the Indian culture, you probably are aware of the academic pressures from a young age. In my Year 10, I’d had a bit of a breakdown in school when I was around my friends. I’d cried about how I feared disappointing my parents. HSC was no different. If anything, the pressure was more from my end because I had convinced my mum that I’d wanted to take up Arts after Year 10 and not science like she’d hoped.

While Psychology was fun, and Sociology quite interesting, some of my other subjects — particularly Economics, French and Maths, were not as great. I enjoyed maths to an extent — calculus was challenging but interesting at the same time. What took the joy out of it was my tutor. I did not like him.

He would make negative comments in a way to try and motivate me in front of three others being tutored with me. I can’t remember exact details but I wasn’t a fan of him. I didn’t like the others I was being tutored with either. They were science students who thought they were better than me because again, in India, science is perceived as being better than arts. Anyway, I was being tutored since early Year 11 and I think I finally cracked it with the pressure. I felt like I couldn’t solve problems during tutoring but when at college, I was fine. I also felt like I was spending more time on Maths and not enough on other subjects and was worried I’d perform badly in those.

I remember finally, one evening, just not coping. I can’t remember if I had a fight with anyone at home but I was teary. It was just my sister, grandma and me at home. Mum had gone to someone’s house. My dad was at work. All I could think about was how I just wanted to give up.

If I gave up, there wouldn’t be any more stress. If I gave up, I wouldn’t disappoint my parents. If I gave up, things wouldn’t be so confusing. If I gave up and ended my life, I wouldn’t have to face my maths tutor and be deemed a failure. I knew someone who had successfully ended their life three years before that. I knew the means they had used. I figured I’d do the same.

I wrote a letter and addressed it to my sister and one to my parents. I think I left it somewhere on my desk or in my diary. My memory fails me. I walked out of the house with my wallet in hand intending to go to the shops and purchase my means to end my life. But I met some neighbours along the way and took a detour. I walked to back of my apartment block which had a garden and walked there while crying to myself in the dark. I kept thinking of how easy it would be to end it all.

Except, it wasn’t. I then thought of my parents and my sister. Sure, I wasn’t getting along all that well with them at the time but I knew they’d be broken. I thought of my friends. The ones who I hadn’t seen for a while.

And for some unknown reason, I thought of a song. A song by Westlife. The lyrics go ‘If I let you go, I would never know, What my life would be, holding you close to me‘. Sure it’s a love song. But in that moment, in my 16 year old head, it told me that if I let this life go, I’ll never know what the future holds for me.

With that, I walked back upstairs. I think I might have told my mum or sister about it. I can’t remember. But I did tell mum that I was tired of being tutored for maths and that I’d prefer to go it on my own with the help of my teacher at college. She agreed.

I didn’t fare too well in Maths. But hey, I did get into psychology the year after. If anything, my experience made the yearning to become a child psychologist even stronger. Since then, I’ve never had any thoughts of wanting to end my life no matter how difficult it has been. There is still a lot to live for.

I see a lot of teenagers these days who want to give up. I yearn to tell them that I was there too. But I don’t. Instead, I try to get them to see reasons for living. It’s hard though, when some of them are so hopeless, they cannot see any possible future. But I persevere.

Because in the end, there is a future. And we’ll never know it if we let this life go.

***Please ring Lifeline on 13 11 14, Suicide Callback Service on 1300 659 467 , Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 or MensLine on 1300 78 99 78 if you need to talk to someone or are in distress*** 


Image Source: Stockphoto

Until next time,

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  • Deb @ inner compass designs
    May 5, 2015 at 7:09 am

    Big hugs and thanks for sharing. I was in that place many times and in the end my children kept me here as I knew my pain would end but theirs would begin if I left. You described it all well thinking the stres and pain would finally end. Instead we always need to find the ways HERE to end the pain or stress -meds, counselling, support, so many options out there to access. Xxxx
    Deb @ inner compass designs recently posted…Know your own powerMy Profile

    • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
      May 5, 2015 at 7:36 am

      Thanks Deb…as you rightly said, when our pain ends, it would begin for the loved ones we leave behind. Thankfully, we have a lot more options for help here. xx

  • Deb @ inner compass designs
    May 5, 2015 at 7:09 am

    Big hugs and thanks for sharing. I was in that place many times and in the end my children kept me here as I knew my pain would end but theirs would begin if I left. You described it all well thinking the stres and pain would finally end. Instead we always need to find the ways HERE to end the pain or stress -meds, counselling, support, so many options out there to access. Xxxx
    Deb @ inner compass designs recently posted…Know your own powerMy Profile

    • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
      May 5, 2015 at 7:36 am

      Thanks Deb…as you rightly said, when our pain ends, it would begin for the loved ones we leave behind. Thankfully, we have a lot more options for help here. xx

  • Bec @ Seeing the Lighter Side
    May 5, 2015 at 7:41 am

    It’s really those ‘sliding doors’ moments that make or break us isn’t it? Thank you for sharing your story and for linking up with #TeamIBOT
    Bec @ Seeing the Lighter Side recently posted…I think I might be writing a novelMy Profile

  • Bec @ Seeing the Lighter Side
    May 5, 2015 at 7:41 am

    It’s really those ‘sliding doors’ moments that make or break us isn’t it? Thank you for sharing your story and for linking up with #TeamIBOT
    Bec @ Seeing the Lighter Side recently posted…I think I might be writing a novelMy Profile

  • Amy @ HandbagMafia
    May 5, 2015 at 7:54 am

    I, for one, am very glad you changed your mind and decided to stick around xx
    Amy @ HandbagMafia recently posted…Rape Culture: How We Can Effect ChangeMy Profile

  • Amy @ HandbagMafia
    May 5, 2015 at 7:54 am

    I, for one, am very glad you changed your mind and decided to stick around xx
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  • Carol Graham
    May 5, 2015 at 8:21 am

    I relate with you — I was one of those lost souls. Thank you for sharing your compelling story and your desire to help young people. Would you be interested in being interviewed on my radio show Never Ever Give Up Hope? If so, please message me.

    Carol
    Carol Graham recently posted…Do You Think it’s True? Is Attitude Everything?My Profile

    • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
      May 11, 2015 at 8:20 am

      Oh Carol, I have read your story and find you very inspirational! Would love to talk on your show. I’ll message you soon xx

  • Carol Graham
    May 5, 2015 at 8:21 am

    I relate with you — I was one of those lost souls. Thank you for sharing your compelling story and your desire to help young people. Would you be interested in being interviewed on my radio show Never Ever Give Up Hope? If so, please message me.

    Carol
    Carol Graham recently posted…Do You Think it’s True? Is Attitude Everything?My Profile

    • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
      May 11, 2015 at 8:20 am

      Oh Carol, I have read your story and find you very inspirational! Would love to talk on your show. I’ll message you soon xx

  • Lydia C. Lee
    May 5, 2015 at 8:39 am

    Really great post. Very powerful – and hopefully very useful to others. thank you.
    Lydia C. Lee recently posted…Embarrassing songs on my ipod…My Profile

  • Lydia C. Lee
    May 5, 2015 at 8:39 am

    Really great post. Very powerful – and hopefully very useful to others. thank you.
    Lydia C. Lee recently posted…Embarrassing songs on my ipod…My Profile

  • Julie Vaillancourt
    May 5, 2015 at 10:19 am

    Great post. It’s quite generous of you to be sharing this story which will surely inspire and help others. Thanks for sharing.

  • Julie Vaillancourt
    May 5, 2015 at 10:19 am

    Great post. It’s quite generous of you to be sharing this story which will surely inspire and help others. Thanks for sharing.

  • elly stornebrink
    May 5, 2015 at 10:21 am

    I think many youth – adults too – have this feeling at times, some more than others. It is a common human experience unfortunately. I am grateful you are brave enough to share your story Sanch as it can help others. I too was one who many, many, many times in my life wished to die…I had written a post here and there about it…I know my reasons and though they were valid, I came to realize how selfish a decision to end one’s life is, to leave those who love you behind. I am glad you are still here to share your gifts and talents with others. 🙂 <3
    elly stornebrink recently posted…Back to Life, Back to Reality…My Profile

    • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
      May 11, 2015 at 10:40 am

      I remember reading once that at some point in our lives, we all wish to die. The ideation exists for everyone. It’s the plans or attempts that are a lot less. I’m torn sometimes between calling suicide as a selfish reason only because I’ve seen some young people who are so hopeless that it is the only option. And to be honest, the people they leave behind might not really care all that much! Which is sad. Thanks for sharing that you went through it too Elly! xx

  • elly stornebrink
    May 5, 2015 at 10:21 am

    I think many youth – adults too – have this feeling at times, some more than others. It is a common human experience unfortunately. I am grateful you are brave enough to share your story Sanch as it can help others. I too was one who many, many, many times in my life wished to die…I had written a post here and there about it…I know my reasons and though they were valid, I came to realize how selfish a decision to end one’s life is, to leave those who love you behind. I am glad you are still here to share your gifts and talents with others. 🙂 <3
    elly stornebrink recently posted…Back to Life, Back to Reality…My Profile

    • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
      May 11, 2015 at 10:40 am

      I remember reading once that at some point in our lives, we all wish to die. The ideation exists for everyone. It’s the plans or attempts that are a lot less. I’m torn sometimes between calling suicide as a selfish reason only because I’ve seen some young people who are so hopeless that it is the only option. And to be honest, the people they leave behind might not really care all that much! Which is sad. Thanks for sharing that you went through it too Elly! xx

  • jess
    May 5, 2015 at 10:52 am

    That must have been hard to share Sanch, so brave in doing so. It’s important to break the stereotypes of who has those thoughts and who struggles, because it is across all of humankind. xx
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    • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
      May 11, 2015 at 10:41 am

      Thanks Jess, it was a hard decision to write about it. But I’m hoping it can help even one person. At the end of the day, I think we all have some point in our lives where we want to end it.

  • jess
    May 5, 2015 at 10:52 am

    That must have been hard to share Sanch, so brave in doing so. It’s important to break the stereotypes of who has those thoughts and who struggles, because it is across all of humankind. xx
    jess recently posted…Cheating on my bucket listMy Profile

    • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
      May 11, 2015 at 10:41 am

      Thanks Jess, it was a hard decision to write about it. But I’m hoping it can help even one person. At the end of the day, I think we all have some point in our lives where we want to end it.

  • Ramya
    May 5, 2015 at 11:36 am

    I agree with you. A lot of teenagers do wanna give up pretty soon. It is important to show them the reasosn to live..

    Great post!!!!Cheers.

    • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
      May 11, 2015 at 12:30 pm

      Yes Ramya…and sometimes, that’s a hard thing to do when some of them can’t actually see a future.

  • Ramya
    May 5, 2015 at 11:36 am

    I agree with you. A lot of teenagers do wanna give up pretty soon. It is important to show them the reasosn to live..

    Great post!!!!Cheers.

    • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
      May 11, 2015 at 12:30 pm

      Yes Ramya…and sometimes, that’s a hard thing to do when some of them can’t actually see a future.

  • Parul
    May 5, 2015 at 3:17 pm

    Proud of you to share this. We have all gone through tough times in life and the ones where we wanted to just give up. Life is much more that those exams, those subjects and succeeding in them..
    If only children of today has much less pressure to face, we would have a happier nation!
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    • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
      May 11, 2015 at 12:31 pm

      Thank you Parul. And I so agree that life is more than exams! A friend of mine told me the day after that maths was not worth killing myself over. Literally. 🙂

  • Parul
    May 5, 2015 at 3:17 pm

    Proud of you to share this. We have all gone through tough times in life and the ones where we wanted to just give up. Life is much more that those exams, those subjects and succeeding in them..
    If only children of today has much less pressure to face, we would have a happier nation!
    Parul recently posted…My Clingy Girlfriend – A Book ReviewMy Profile

    • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
      May 11, 2015 at 12:31 pm

      Thank you Parul. And I so agree that life is more than exams! A friend of mine told me the day after that maths was not worth killing myself over. Literally. 🙂

  • CookieCrumbsInc.
    May 5, 2015 at 3:33 pm

    From there to now, happily engaged, mum to two beautiful kitties, a hand in every pie possible, super hot, super cute…. you have come a long, long way, Sanch 🙂 *touchwood*
    God bless you.
    CookieCrumbsInc. recently posted…Wistful ThinkingMy Profile

    • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
      May 11, 2015 at 12:32 pm

      Haha…thank you lovely. I guess it’s a testament to change is constant. Just because we are stuck in a rut doesn’t mean things won’t change in the future. xx

  • CookieCrumbsInc.
    May 5, 2015 at 3:33 pm

    From there to now, happily engaged, mum to two beautiful kitties, a hand in every pie possible, super hot, super cute…. you have come a long, long way, Sanch 🙂 *touchwood*
    God bless you.
    CookieCrumbsInc. recently posted…Wistful ThinkingMy Profile

    • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
      May 11, 2015 at 12:32 pm

      Haha…thank you lovely. I guess it’s a testament to change is constant. Just because we are stuck in a rut doesn’t mean things won’t change in the future. xx

  • Sulekkha
    May 5, 2015 at 4:12 pm

    I am so glad you didn’t go ahead with your plan to let go of life. You have so much to give to this world, teach young minds, shape them and help them bloom. Happy to have met you, if only virtually now, we might meet in Mumbai someday. I would like to feature you on my website, if you are okay with it. Let me know and I will send you the interview questions. Lots of love and hugs
    Sulekha

  • Sulekkha
    May 5, 2015 at 4:12 pm

    I am so glad you didn’t go ahead with your plan to let go of life. You have so much to give to this world, teach young minds, shape them and help them bloom. Happy to have met you, if only virtually now, we might meet in Mumbai someday. I would like to feature you on my website, if you are okay with it. Let me know and I will send you the interview questions. Lots of love and hugs
    Sulekha

  • Shailaja
    May 5, 2015 at 4:25 pm

    So very proud of you for sharing this. We need to tell these stories. They are the ones that make others realise that they are not alone. Not today, not tomorrow. Right now is the best time to tell people these stories. With this, I hope more people and teens can face life, knowing that something better awaits.
    Shailaja recently posted…The Myth of Being ConnectedMy Profile

  • Shailaja
    May 5, 2015 at 4:25 pm

    So very proud of you for sharing this. We need to tell these stories. They are the ones that make others realise that they are not alone. Not today, not tomorrow. Right now is the best time to tell people these stories. With this, I hope more people and teens can face life, knowing that something better awaits.
    Shailaja recently posted…The Myth of Being ConnectedMy Profile

  • Zita
    May 5, 2015 at 4:30 pm

    thanks for having the courage to share this story. As someone who has also worked with teenagers who have lost all hope I know the struggle you would have in not sharing your story with them. Thankfully though they have someone who is willing to listen and take the time to care about them. We can’t prevent everything or control the choices and actions of others but I have no doubt you are making a difference in their lives.
    Take care of you!
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  • Zita
    May 5, 2015 at 4:30 pm

    thanks for having the courage to share this story. As someone who has also worked with teenagers who have lost all hope I know the struggle you would have in not sharing your story with them. Thankfully though they have someone who is willing to listen and take the time to care about them. We can’t prevent everything or control the choices and actions of others but I have no doubt you are making a difference in their lives.
    Take care of you!
    Zita recently posted…to confess songs from my iPodMy Profile

  • Natalie @ our parallel connection
    May 5, 2015 at 6:16 pm

    You make such a difference in these kids lives… I wish I had you around when I was that age
    Natalie @ our parallel connection recently posted…Am I drinking too much? 8 signs you may drink too muchMy Profile

  • Natalie @ our parallel connection
    May 5, 2015 at 6:16 pm

    You make such a difference in these kids lives… I wish I had you around when I was that age
    Natalie @ our parallel connection recently posted…Am I drinking too much? 8 signs you may drink too muchMy Profile

  • JodiGibson (@JFGibsonWriter)
    May 5, 2015 at 9:06 pm

    It’s very brave of you to share this experience, but also brave that you didn’t go ahead with your initial thoughts. This experience must give you great insight into the people whose lives you help today. No doubt you are making a huge difference. x
    JodiGibson (@JFGibsonWriter) recently posted…Highs, lows, and extreme emotionsMy Profile

  • JodiGibson (@JFGibsonWriter)
    May 5, 2015 at 9:06 pm

    It’s very brave of you to share this experience, but also brave that you didn’t go ahead with your initial thoughts. This experience must give you great insight into the people whose lives you help today. No doubt you are making a huge difference. x
    JodiGibson (@JFGibsonWriter) recently posted…Highs, lows, and extreme emotionsMy Profile

  • EssentiallyJess
    May 5, 2015 at 9:51 pm

    Wow Sanch. Thank you for sharing this. I’m so glad you were never did what you planned to do, and it’s even more amazing that you’re helping others who are in the same boat.
    You were obviously saved for a reason. x
    EssentiallyJess recently posted…A Tag Line by Any Other Name… #IBOTMy Profile

  • EssentiallyJess
    May 5, 2015 at 9:51 pm

    Wow Sanch. Thank you for sharing this. I’m so glad you were never did what you planned to do, and it’s even more amazing that you’re helping others who are in the same boat.
    You were obviously saved for a reason. x
    EssentiallyJess recently posted…A Tag Line by Any Other Name… #IBOTMy Profile

  • Shilpa Garg
    May 6, 2015 at 8:15 pm

    It takes courage to share a story like this. Kudos to you, Sanch for not going ahead with your then plans and taking up a vocation that helps, guides and counsels lost and troubled souls. God bless you and Hugs!
    Shilpa Garg recently posted…Wordless Wednesday – 104My Profile

  • Shilpa Garg
    May 6, 2015 at 8:15 pm

    It takes courage to share a story like this. Kudos to you, Sanch for not going ahead with your then plans and taking up a vocation that helps, guides and counsels lost and troubled souls. God bless you and Hugs!
    Shilpa Garg recently posted…Wordless Wednesday – 104My Profile

  • Kaddu
    May 7, 2015 at 12:35 am

    I’ve been there once. That gradual build-up of despair leading to one final moment of insanity. I almost did it too. I was traveling alone by train, and I just needed to jump. It would’ve been super easy. But then I thought of my father who had already lost a son (right after he was born) as well as his wife, and then I thought of how I would always be remembered as “the girl who failed”. Eventually, I didn’t jump.

    I wrote about this on my blog long time ago… do check it out sometime… http://www.mysteriouskaddu.com/2009/05/failure-is-never-final.html
    Kaddu recently posted…A-to-Z Reflections: 2015 #AtoZChallenge @AprilAtoZMy Profile

  • Kaddu
    May 7, 2015 at 12:35 am

    I’ve been there once. That gradual build-up of despair leading to one final moment of insanity. I almost did it too. I was traveling alone by train, and I just needed to jump. It would’ve been super easy. But then I thought of my father who had already lost a son (right after he was born) as well as his wife, and then I thought of how I would always be remembered as “the girl who failed”. Eventually, I didn’t jump.

    I wrote about this on my blog long time ago… do check it out sometime… http://www.mysteriouskaddu.com/2009/05/failure-is-never-final.html
    Kaddu recently posted…A-to-Z Reflections: 2015 #AtoZChallenge @AprilAtoZMy Profile

  • Jen
    May 7, 2015 at 11:39 pm

    Thank you for sharing your story. I’m very glad you chose to stay!! And for encouraging others. <3
    Jen recently posted…Diamonds and DaisiesMy Profile

  • Jen
    May 7, 2015 at 11:39 pm

    Thank you for sharing your story. I’m very glad you chose to stay!! And for encouraging others. <3
    Jen recently posted…Diamonds and DaisiesMy Profile

  • Hugzilla
    May 10, 2015 at 8:52 pm

    Oh Sanch, what an incredibly poignant story. I don’t have anything insightful to share, but thank you for sharing this x

  • Hugzilla
    May 10, 2015 at 8:52 pm

    Oh Sanch, what an incredibly poignant story. I don’t have anything insightful to share, but thank you for sharing this x

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  • Shilpa
    May 27, 2017 at 10:36 am

    Hugs to you saanch . I gave up too in my life , I was also about to end life .. that too pregnant me.. that day memories are still so fresh in my mind . But I waited for one more day.. just one more day.. and then things changed.. from that day I have decided one thing, if you are not able to take anything just leave it .. the relation not life ?

  • Shilpa
    May 27, 2017 at 10:36 am

    Hugs to you saanch . I gave up too in my life , I was also about to end life .. that too pregnant me.. that day memories are still so fresh in my mind . But I waited for one more day.. just one more day.. and then things changed.. from that day I have decided one thing, if you are not able to take anything just leave it .. the relation not life ?

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