Life

Trying to find my way

Life. This weird and wonderful life. It’s unpredictable and overwhelming at times, fascinating and fun otherwise. Right now, I feel like I am at a crossroads in life. I’m lost and trying to find my way.

From my primary school days, I knew I was meant to study well, go on to university and get a job. It’s ingrained into Indian children from when they can walk. I did all that was expected of me, not just for others but for myself too. I completed a bachelors, moved to Australia, completed a masters, found a job, bought a unit, moved around a few jobs and then found one I loved and have been in it for the last five years.

Having achieved all that, I’m currently having a sense of ‘now what?’

I have accomplished all this and it wasn’t easy. Hard work got me here along with a bit of luck. But is it really what I want? And is this all there is to life?

I still love my work even though it’s draining. I thought of cutting down to four days next year and even talked to my manager about it. While I haven’t put any paperwork in, I guess I am not completely sure if it’s what I really want. Yet, when I look for other jobs in psychology in Sydney, I hit roadblocks with some, and others aren’t too different from what I’m already doing.

Then I have been contemplating whether I should move out of Sydney. I am in love with the Shoalhaven area — Jervis Bay in particular. The more time we spend there, the more I wonder if I should just rent out my unit here in Sydney and make the sea-change. I know for a fact there are jobs available for me. I yearn to get away from Sydney traffic and the rat race. I feel like if I moved down south, I could be more productive, have more time and not have the financial and time pressures of Sydney. Yet, I’m not sure if it’s what I really want.

I would have to consider Mr Imperfect’s job here in Sydney and I would miss my friends here and have to start over again. But it’s not something I haven’t done before given I left my life in Ibra and Bombay at 5, Salalah when I was 9 and then again, left my life in Bombay at 21. I was always nervous, even afraid. But I coped and started over. But I didn’t have anyone else to think about when I left these places.

Apart from the potential sea-change, I have been looking into volunteering. I’m wondering if this is the ‘now what’ my life is looking for. I feel like I need to do something worthwhile, something with meaning. Coming close to finishing uni for good means I have more time for causes like this. The downside is apart from my local animal shelter, it’s been hard to find anything locally for the homeless, women and children. I’d love to work with all the groups if I could. But again, where do I start, I don’t really know.

Then there’s the whole writing pathway. I won’t kid you — I’m terrified. I’m shitting myself at the thought of pitching articles, submitting creative nonfiction pieces and even attempting to flesh out some of my story ideas. I look for writer jobs but I am too damn scared to even contemplate applying for them. ‘Why would anyone want me?’ or ‘I have no formal qualifications’ commonly run through my head. I read other articles and stories and am awed by the amazing writing. My fears though, quadruple after that. I signed up for NaNoWriMo in an attempt to just write next month but again, I wonder how this path is going to be.

Another path I wonder about is friendships. I’ve noticed a lot of changes in my friendships and while I’m aware I myself have pulled back a bit, I know I do that to protect myself from further pain. It doesn’t solve problems though but I hide behind the cloak of my busyness and avoid it all. Maybe this is what makes the sea-change even more appealing. That chance to start fresh.

Finally, there’s the wedding. Mr Imperfect and I were thinking sometime next year but to be perfectly honest, I don’t do weddings. I don’t have the energy or even the imagination to plan something small. I just want us to continue to be a defacto couple and not worry about any of that. At least for next year.

I’m uncertain if all this is what people refer to as a mid-life crisis. It’s this ‘now what’ sense to life that’s possibly been maintaining my low mood. One thing I did realise this week after reading Jess’ post is that I want to matter. I want to do something that matters. That adds meaning not just to my life but to lives of others.

How? I have yet to figure it out.

Have you ever gotten to a stage in life when you felt ‘now what’?

What did you do?

Do share!

***Linking with Grace for FYBF, Maxabella for Weekend Rewind and Ann for Things I Know {even though I don’t know stuff!}***

Until next time,

SANCH_sig1

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  • Surely Sarah
    October 15, 2015 at 7:10 am

    Well I don’t know about mid life crises but I can tell you’re not not alone in asking “What’s next?”. I can see how a Seachange would be so tempting, but sounds like there are pros and cons and much like everything in life, would be a complex decision! I wish you the best in finding your focus and a path to travel down next. Whatever you choose I’m sure your family and friends will cheer you on! 🙂
    Surely Sarah recently posted…Geeking Out at Oz Comic ConMy Profile

    • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
      October 16, 2015 at 8:17 am

      Thanks Sarah…I wonder if it’s a 30s thing. I’m hearing more and more people having this feeling of ‘what next?’ I guess it’s even more when you don’t want to have kids/start a family.

  • Surely Sarah
    October 15, 2015 at 7:10 am

    Well I don’t know about mid life crises but I can tell you’re not not alone in asking “What’s next?”. I can see how a Seachange would be so tempting, but sounds like there are pros and cons and much like everything in life, would be a complex decision! I wish you the best in finding your focus and a path to travel down next. Whatever you choose I’m sure your family and friends will cheer you on! 🙂
    Surely Sarah recently posted…Geeking Out at Oz Comic ConMy Profile

    • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
      October 16, 2015 at 8:17 am

      Thanks Sarah…I wonder if it’s a 30s thing. I’m hearing more and more people having this feeling of ‘what next?’ I guess it’s even more when you don’t want to have kids/start a family.

  • Radhika - Fulltime Nomad
    October 15, 2015 at 7:38 am

    Oh Sanch, I can so relate because I was here a few years ago. I wish I could help, but they’re answers you probably need to find yourself. The only thing I will say though is don’t be afraid to take a leap of faith if you need to. Good luck with your decisions X
    Radhika – Fulltime Nomad recently posted…From Desk Jockeys To Fulltime Nomads: Our Digital Nomad StoryMy Profile

    • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
      October 16, 2015 at 8:45 am

      It’s so bloody hard…I think I know what I want to do but I guess it’s the fear stopping me. I should take that leap of faith. Unlike you guys though, I doubt I can sell everything and just go somewhere or travel…I know that’s not for me. But a seachange…that I can totally see.

  • Radhika - Fulltime Nomad
    October 15, 2015 at 7:38 am

    Oh Sanch, I can so relate because I was here a few years ago. I wish I could help, but they’re answers you probably need to find yourself. The only thing I will say though is don’t be afraid to take a leap of faith if you need to. Good luck with your decisions X
    Radhika – Fulltime Nomad recently posted…From Desk Jockeys To Fulltime Nomads: Our Digital Nomad StoryMy Profile

    • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
      October 16, 2015 at 8:45 am

      It’s so bloody hard…I think I know what I want to do but I guess it’s the fear stopping me. I should take that leap of faith. Unlike you guys though, I doubt I can sell everything and just go somewhere or travel…I know that’s not for me. But a seachange…that I can totally see.

  • Ashleigh Mills - My Meow
    October 15, 2015 at 10:50 am

    I think it’s a thirties thing. If you’re not keen on kids then guess what. You can do whatever you want! If you can get work down the coast and Mr Imperfect isn’t in love with his job here then do it!!! You are winning if you already have property here. You can always come back to safety. And the writing thing. It is just a numbers game. You have to be in it to win it. It is hard pitching for articles but once you have some runs on the board it is easier. Talent is not an issue you write beautifully!
    Ashleigh Mills – My Meow recently posted…Four childfree resourcesMy Profile

    • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
      October 16, 2015 at 8:46 am

      Oh tell me about it! More so because we don’t want to have kids and I guess then there’s the ‘now what’ even more than someone who plans to have kids and start a family. Thanks for your lovely comment! x

  • Ashleigh Mills - My Meow
    October 15, 2015 at 10:50 am

    I think it’s a thirties thing. If you’re not keen on kids then guess what. You can do whatever you want! If you can get work down the coast and Mr Imperfect isn’t in love with his job here then do it!!! You are winning if you already have property here. You can always come back to safety. And the writing thing. It is just a numbers game. You have to be in it to win it. It is hard pitching for articles but once you have some runs on the board it is easier. Talent is not an issue you write beautifully!
    Ashleigh Mills – My Meow recently posted…Four childfree resourcesMy Profile

    • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
      October 16, 2015 at 8:46 am

      Oh tell me about it! More so because we don’t want to have kids and I guess then there’s the ‘now what’ even more than someone who plans to have kids and start a family. Thanks for your lovely comment! x

    • Frank Iuston
      October 16, 2015 at 8:59 pm

      Hi Sanch,

      Carpe diem (seize the day). We’re all only here once. Having said that though some days ARE easier than others. Let me tell you what worked for me – don’t look too far into the future. Take it one day at a time. The only person who can decide when the time is right is you. No one else – not even Mr Imperfect. While he can guide you and just be there for you (and I know he can after being a friend of his for 14 years), you can only decide when to take that leap of faith.

      It’s not easy, and you will get knocked down here and there – but don’t let that stand in the way. For example, I’m 42, and it’s only after 20 years of doing audio for others in another setting that I’m finally gonna be launching my own business next February. Why didn’t I do it 20 years ago? Easy – because it just hasn’t been the right time. I didn’t feel within myself it was the right time. Now I do – and no one made that decision for me. I just felt now was the time.

      Believe me, when you make up your mind, decide what you really want and go after it – NOTHING can stop you. I’ve been through the maze of indecision, uncertainty and fear, but I came out the other side just fine. You will too. Hang in there and don’t give in.

      …only problem is that if you and Mr Imperfect move interstate or elsewhere, I’ll definitely miss the catch ups, nights out and coffee meets we’ve had over the years. Although initially that will be difficult and feel a little weird, I’ll be fine, and all I can do is just to wish you both continued good times and every success. But while you folk are in the same city as me you won’t stop hearing from me! haha!

      Take care and just hang in there – one day at a time.

  • Damyanti
    October 15, 2015 at 11:48 am

    All your questions and struggles sound familiar– all the best as you figure out your answers!
    Damyanti recently posted…Do you have questions for #bestselling author Patrick Wensink? #writingMy Profile

  • Damyanti
    October 15, 2015 at 11:48 am

    All your questions and struggles sound familiar– all the best as you figure out your answers!
    Damyanti recently posted…Do you have questions for #bestselling author Patrick Wensink? #writingMy Profile

  • Lillian Csernica
    October 15, 2015 at 12:01 pm

    It’s good to step back and evaluate how far you’ve come. It’s also good to consider where to go from there. Given that both of my sons have special needs, my life’s course is marked out for me in many ways. My writing is where I do what I want to do and find ways to make a difference in the world. Small example: I’m a volunteer at the local post office. Every holiday season, I answer the letters the kids write to Santa Claus. The postal carriers sometimes see their reactions and let me know, which is a great joy. Having followed your blog for a while, I believe you could do well with your writing. I also believe it’s fine to take things one step at a time. Make a plan. Make a list of goals. Make a list of what you don’t want. Whatever helps clarify your thoughts and feelings. You’re a strong woman with a good heart. Go for it!
    Lillian Csernica recently posted…Getting the Details on NeurodiversityMy Profile

  • Lillian Csernica
    October 15, 2015 at 12:01 pm

    It’s good to step back and evaluate how far you’ve come. It’s also good to consider where to go from there. Given that both of my sons have special needs, my life’s course is marked out for me in many ways. My writing is where I do what I want to do and find ways to make a difference in the world. Small example: I’m a volunteer at the local post office. Every holiday season, I answer the letters the kids write to Santa Claus. The postal carriers sometimes see their reactions and let me know, which is a great joy. Having followed your blog for a while, I believe you could do well with your writing. I also believe it’s fine to take things one step at a time. Make a plan. Make a list of goals. Make a list of what you don’t want. Whatever helps clarify your thoughts and feelings. You’re a strong woman with a good heart. Go for it!
    Lillian Csernica recently posted…Getting the Details on NeurodiversityMy Profile

    • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
      October 17, 2015 at 6:46 am

      Thanks for the tips Lillian. I definitely want to volunteer…I know that for a fact. I want to write too. The move is somethings to contemplate I suppose.

  • JF Gibson
    October 15, 2015 at 12:01 pm

    If there’s anything I’ve learned so far in life is that no matter what direction you take, it is the direction you are meant to take. The difficult part is the knowing at the time. Have faith and take a leap. There are no right or wrong answers, just life experience. If you choose one way, that doesn’t totally block off the other direction. When you realise that you always have options, it makes it easier. Good luck. x
    JF Gibson recently posted…How to write every day with writing promptsMy Profile

  • JF Gibson
    October 15, 2015 at 12:01 pm

    If there’s anything I’ve learned so far in life is that no matter what direction you take, it is the direction you are meant to take. The difficult part is the knowing at the time. Have faith and take a leap. There are no right or wrong answers, just life experience. If you choose one way, that doesn’t totally block off the other direction. When you realise that you always have options, it makes it easier. Good luck. x
    JF Gibson recently posted…How to write every day with writing promptsMy Profile

    • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
      October 17, 2015 at 6:47 am

      Thanks Jodie, I agree there’s no right or wrong because in the end, you learn from everything ☺️

  • Zita
    October 15, 2015 at 2:38 pm

    I am definitely in a big state of “what next?” at the moment and think we are very similar. I think I have decided what I want to do but actually admitting the decision and then following through with it is the risk. I might be misinterpreting your post but it kind of reads to me that you have made the decision, you now need to take the risk and follow through.. easier said than done I know but someone said to me recently “What’s the worst that could happen?”… you move, you don’t like it, you move back. I think sometimes when we overthink things too much we talk ourselves out of things that could be the best thing that ever happened.
    All the best of luck and I look forward to seeing what you decide.
    x
    Zita recently posted…This time last year….My Profile

  • Zita
    October 15, 2015 at 2:38 pm

    I am definitely in a big state of “what next?” at the moment and think we are very similar. I think I have decided what I want to do but actually admitting the decision and then following through with it is the risk. I might be misinterpreting your post but it kind of reads to me that you have made the decision, you now need to take the risk and follow through.. easier said than done I know but someone said to me recently “What’s the worst that could happen?”… you move, you don’t like it, you move back. I think sometimes when we overthink things too much we talk ourselves out of things that could be the best thing that ever happened.
    All the best of luck and I look forward to seeing what you decide.
    x
    Zita recently posted…This time last year….My Profile

    • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
      October 19, 2015 at 5:19 am

      I did think of you Zita as I was contemplating all this. I couldn’t do the travel thing like you’ve done…I think I realised I can’t be away from home for a long time. But can I change my home? It’s a scary thought but not impossible I suppose. And you’re right…what’s the worst that could happen?

  • Nabanita
    October 15, 2015 at 4:14 pm

    That’s a tough question really..I guess I haven’t thought about it so much…I know I want to do a lot of things but what , how and when I haven’t been thinking about that much…Just going with the flow really.A couple of aspects of my life bothers me but I don’t know when I would change it!
    Nabanita recently posted…Looking For Writing Motivation?My Profile

  • Nabanita
    October 15, 2015 at 4:14 pm

    That’s a tough question really..I guess I haven’t thought about it so much…I know I want to do a lot of things but what , how and when I haven’t been thinking about that much…Just going with the flow really.A couple of aspects of my life bothers me but I don’t know when I would change it!
    Nabanita recently posted…Looking For Writing Motivation?My Profile

    • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
      October 19, 2015 at 5:20 am

      I notice I tend to get stir crazy if I’m comfortable for too long…different personalities I suppose 🙂

  • Erin of TexErin-in-SydneyLand
    October 15, 2015 at 6:25 pm

    My very best girlfriend who lives in the States and I were messaging back and forth about some of these very same things. Some snippets from our conversation: “I’m all over the map these days.”, “what am I doing with my life funk”, “is this what life is really all about or am I settling for mediocrity?”, “is anyone’s life really great?”, “who am I to think I can have more?”, “I know I need a different job”, “I’m conflicted”……..you get the picture. Good luck with your path and search for contentment and happiness.
    Erin of TexErin-in-SydneyLand recently posted…Playlist 3: Rock This HalloweenMy Profile

  • Erin of TexErin-in-SydneyLand
    October 15, 2015 at 6:25 pm

    My very best girlfriend who lives in the States and I were messaging back and forth about some of these very same things. Some snippets from our conversation: “I’m all over the map these days.”, “what am I doing with my life funk”, “is this what life is really all about or am I settling for mediocrity?”, “is anyone’s life really great?”, “who am I to think I can have more?”, “I know I need a different job”, “I’m conflicted”……..you get the picture. Good luck with your path and search for contentment and happiness.
    Erin of TexErin-in-SydneyLand recently posted…Playlist 3: Rock This HalloweenMy Profile

    • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
      October 19, 2015 at 5:21 am

      Oh those questions! I’m sure they hit you after you’ve ticked off things you were aiming to do. Good luck to you too Erin!

  • Malinda @mybrownpaperpackages
    October 15, 2015 at 8:38 pm

    I am standing at the cross roads with you **waves** If you figure out how to make the choice, let me know, I’d love a gentle nudge in the right direction.
    Malinda @mybrownpaperpackages recently posted…Kukukachu PopcornMy Profile

  • Malinda @mybrownpaperpackages
    October 15, 2015 at 8:38 pm

    I am standing at the cross roads with you **waves** If you figure out how to make the choice, let me know, I’d love a gentle nudge in the right direction.
    Malinda @mybrownpaperpackages recently posted…Kukukachu PopcornMy Profile

    • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
      October 19, 2015 at 5:22 am

      Oh it’s good to know there are others in a similar situation. I’ll definitely give you a shout out when I make a decision

  • Amy @ HandbagMafia
    October 16, 2015 at 8:15 am

    I think we all have these questions- is this it? What next? I have no idea what the answer is- due to my circumstances as a blended family etc we are a lot more limited in our options. My impulse is to tell you to go while you still can. If your partner can get work there as well of course- but right now, the world is your oyster!
    Amy @ HandbagMafia recently posted…America, Lay Down Your GunsMy Profile

  • Amy @ HandbagMafia
    October 16, 2015 at 8:15 am

    I think we all have these questions- is this it? What next? I have no idea what the answer is- due to my circumstances as a blended family etc we are a lot more limited in our options. My impulse is to tell you to go while you still can. If your partner can get work there as well of course- but right now, the world is your oyster!
    Amy @ HandbagMafia recently posted…America, Lay Down Your GunsMy Profile

    • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
      October 24, 2015 at 8:47 am

      I agree…sometimes I feel like I should just do it. Yet, I am a practical risk taker…not sure if my partner will find it easy to find a job in his area down the coast.

  • Natalie @ Our Parallel Connection
    October 16, 2015 at 10:27 am

    Too often I try to control my pathway but then I realise if I keep my mind open, my direction will start to path its own way.
    Natalie @ Our Parallel Connection recently posted…Mental illness – you can’t escape from yourselfMy Profile

  • Natalie @ Our Parallel Connection
    October 16, 2015 at 10:27 am

    Too often I try to control my pathway but then I realise if I keep my mind open, my direction will start to path its own way.
    Natalie @ Our Parallel Connection recently posted…Mental illness – you can’t escape from yourselfMy Profile

  • Nicole @ The Builder's Wife
    October 16, 2015 at 10:52 am

    I’ve asked myself now what on many occasions, then I send the thought out there and wait for the next turn of events. Every time I find myself at these crossroads, it’s like my little pause before the next door opens and my life is propelled in a new direction. I think it’s a normal feeling on the journey of life. Visiting via FYBF xx
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  • Nicole @ The Builder's Wife
    October 16, 2015 at 10:52 am

    I’ve asked myself now what on many occasions, then I send the thought out there and wait for the next turn of events. Every time I find myself at these crossroads, it’s like my little pause before the next door opens and my life is propelled in a new direction. I think it’s a normal feeling on the journey of life. Visiting via FYBF xx
    Nicole @ The Builder’s Wife recently posted…My Favourite Space with Kathy from Yinyang MotherMy Profile

  • Min@WriteoftheMiddle
    October 16, 2015 at 11:22 am

    I wouldn’t call it a mid-life crisis Sanch. I think we all ponder similar questions at various stages through our lives. No one can answer your questions but you though. However, I will comment on one – you’ve mentioned a sea change a few times before. For this reason, I really think it is probably something you should consider. I think that you really would like to live less of a *rat race* existence. Your friends can visit you. You can visit your friends. AND…you will make new friends. Take your time pondering a little more and good luck! 🙂

  • Min@WriteoftheMiddle
    October 16, 2015 at 11:22 am

    I wouldn’t call it a mid-life crisis Sanch. I think we all ponder similar questions at various stages through our lives. No one can answer your questions but you though. However, I will comment on one – you’ve mentioned a sea change a few times before. For this reason, I really think it is probably something you should consider. I think that you really would like to live less of a *rat race* existence. Your friends can visit you. You can visit your friends. AND…you will make new friends. Take your time pondering a little more and good luck! 🙂

  • dani @ sand has no home
    October 16, 2015 at 11:32 am

    It sounds as though you have a lot to think about! But you don’t have to decide everything at lonce. Perhaps when you make a couple of those decisions, the answers to other questions will fall intuitively into place.
    We made the seachange 3 years ago, from Melbourne to Geelong, and we love that downsizing, it really worked for us and we have made so many great connections here. Nothing is permanant, so anything is worth a try. That are is stunning! Good luck with it all 🙂
    dani @ sand has no home recently posted…PerfectMy Profile

  • Julie @ Off to the park
    October 16, 2015 at 2:44 pm

    A sea-change and starting over sounds so tempting to me! I have been having so many of the same thoughts as you. Like where is my life heading, should we move and start afresh, what I should be doing with my life now that my girls (6.5 and 4) are getting older, and me. Its frustrating when you can’t decide what it is you want isn’t it?

    It sounds like you should start up your own psychology business where you get to help all the type of people you want to help? 🙂

  • Vanessa
    October 16, 2015 at 4:00 pm

    It’s so hard to know what to do. I guess what do you have to lose by trying a seachange for a year? That’s the question maybe.
    Vanessa recently posted…$221 Grocery ShopMy Profile

  • Bronnie - Maid In Australia
    October 16, 2015 at 7:42 pm

    I hear you. I’ve been there before and I will be there again. I am there again now. One thing to know is that it is normal and ok to go through these stages. It’s normal to question and wonder. It’s okay to make changes – or not. But it will be okay, no matter what. Things I have learned is not to make changes for the sake of it – but that nothing won’t change if it doesn’t change, if that makes sense? So think long and hard, and if it feels right, you will know what to do. Good luck x
    Bronnie – Maid In Australia recently posted…You had me at hello … (And win a free house clean!)My Profile

  • Sunila
    October 17, 2015 at 12:28 am

    All the best with the thinking, arriving at a decision and making changes Sanch 🙂

  • Leanne @ Deep Fried Fruit
    October 17, 2015 at 5:38 am

    As a life coach I work with people at this very same cross roads every day.
    Maybe a life coach can help you get your head around it all?
    You’re not alone. We all go through it at some point in our lives …
    Your path will appear …

  • Grace
    October 21, 2015 at 7:48 pm

    Ah, the good ol’ “Where to from here?” question! I’ve been stumped by that one many a time – moving back to Australia from Tokyo, my relationship with Mr Surfer, going back to work after being a SAHM.
    I guess you just have to lay out all your options. Keep turning rocks over and seeing if there are any opportunities you hadn’t seen before. Life is continually about discovery and surprises.
    You’ll get there x
    Grace recently posted…FYBF – Rusty GermanMy Profile

  • Parul
    October 26, 2015 at 9:22 pm

    These are thoughts that a lot of us go through almost all the time. A “now what” is needed in life to reset goals and work upon things. It may sound too tight on one self but it’s important. As long as you don’t stop learning or being happy – just keep going on!
    Parul recently posted…#MicroblogMondays – Pakistan loves IndiaMy Profile

  • Midlife crisis at thirty-two - Living my Imperfect Life
    March 22, 2016 at 6:04 am

    […] and well, life in general. I know I previously spoke about having an itch. In fact, all of 2015, I struggled with this yearning for change. Eventually, I thought it might be just the workplace I was in and with a change of job […]

  • New beginnings - Living my Imperfect Life
    August 20, 2017 at 11:03 am

    […] some of you might know, I was feeling an itch. Wanting a change. Maybe this is it. Sure, it’s not a big sea-change. But it’s a change of work place […]

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