As we near the end of 2015, I am mostly filled with relief. I feel like the new year might bring with it a fresh start and the hope of better things to come. 2015 hasn’t been an easy year. I guess it was due though, given 2013 and 2014 were quite good years.
2015 started off reasonably well as I was hiking in Tasmania. The hike itself was 50-50 but the rest of the trip in January through Hobart, Tassie and Bright were pretty damn good. I returned and turned 31. Work was still stressful and not much changed.
I attempted FebFast in February and while I managed to raise about $500, I was glad to get back to drinking! I started my second semester of uni and continued to enjoy my learning. Feb also marked 10 years since I landed here in Australia.
In March, I booked my tickets for my trip to Canada and the US. I also said goodbye to a good friend and colleague. I kinda crashed emotionally towards the end of the month and I guess it was a sign of things to come. I also bought myself an iPhone, thereby moving over completely to Apple.
Around May, I had a pretty bad setback emotionally. The cracks started to show after this trigger. I didn’t blog about it until much later. In the mean time though, I tried to cope by writing or going on mindful walks. I struggled with self-doubt more so with writing but also in general.
In June, I set off on a month long trip to Canada and the U.S. I visited San Francisco first and then headed to Toronto to see my sister and my uncle and his family. My parents also joined us and I enjoyed exploring other Canadian cities with them.
I got back home to Sydney in July and tried to get back into the swing of things. I still felt an itch for change. The holidays were good but my mood still wasn’t great and work was still stressing me out.
In August, my mood continued to deteriorate and I tried things like being present or buying flowers but to no avail. Even an anniversary weekend at Hyams beach or a day trip to Kiama didn’t help all that much.
When September came, I started joining in on a weekly link up on 10 things that made me happy. It was to try and help me see the silver linings among the clouds that seemed to be getting darker. I was able to also reflect on other things in my past such as my childhood playing with dolls and soccer or cricket, me moving out of home and just how competitive I can be. However, the darkness kept engulfing me as I thought about how I find it so hard to trust people because of being let down so many times.
I had started seeing a therapist by October and while it was helping, I was still struggling to find my way. I think just being busy meant my mind was constantly in turmoil. By then though, I was just waiting for the end of uni. The end of the course.
In November, I had finished uni for good and had handed in all my assignments. I tried NaNoWriMo but somehow, lost my mojo to write after a week. Unfortunately, this spilled over to my blog and even though I had ideas, the posts just wouldn’t come. I was also preoccupied by a job offer I got at the start of the month but waiting for all the paperwork to arrive. It finally did arrive and I was able to tell my manager about it. I started seeing some light in terms of new beginnings.
Finally, this past month of December has been pretty shitty. Firstly, Mr Imperfect got told his contract was not going to be renewed. Given that I just resigned from a secure job to start a new one in the new year, the timing was horrible. The negativity at work has been getting me down as has the stress at home. And my moods have been foul. I am easily teary and angry all at once. I’m not good at asking for help and have been putting on a mask for the world. But I’m exhausted.
I feel like my self-confidence took a beating in 2015. Thanks to those few setbacks which triggered my issues with trust, I have struggled immensely. My mental health has been pretty fragile and I’ve been at breaking point more often than not. Therapy is good but it takes time. Exercise helps but not always. The beach saves me but not all the time. Unfortunately, I haven’t been strong enough to reach out to friends or family for help. I am too afraid of being let down. Again.
So you know what? I’m not sad to see the end of 2015. I can only hope that 2016 will be better with fewer tears and less heartache and pain.
How about you? How was your 2015?
Until next time,