Life lessons

On freaking out

As someone who has been an anxious person most of her life, freaking out is not uncommon for me. When I was little, I occasionally freaked out when my mum wasn’t around. Later, I freaked out about the dark thanks to potential ghosts, monsters or just kidnappers out to get me. As I got older, I began freaking out about public speaking or doing badly in exams. And then, it moved on to worrying about finding a job, having a good income, being responsible and well, life in general.

If I reflect currently on my life though, things have certainly changed. I am not that afraid of public speaking anymore. I don’t mind the dark at all. I’m of course, all right without my mum. And thankfully, since I have no exams, that’s no longer an issue. But I do freak out about a number of other things:

Finances: I hate depending on others and I do worry a fair bit about financial security. While I am fortunate to have a job, the fact that I’m not liking it adds to my stress. I would love to just quit and then continue looking for work but my anxiety would not let me do that.

Failing: While my exam days are long gone, I still fear failing at other things. Like writing for example. I still haven’t done much about my writing officially and I freak out at the idea of pitching to a magazine or starting my own copywriting business. You’d think given I’m currently unhappy in my job, it’d be the perfect opportunity to give this a go but nope…I’m miserable but I’m freaking out!

Future: Ah the future. You can’t control it. You can’t predict it. And that’s what makes it so easy to freak out about. I’ll admit I don’t just randomly freak out about the future — there has to be a trigger. So for instance, if Mr Imperfect and I have a disagreement, I’ll immediately catastrophise about the worst-case scenario. If I’m at a crossroads at the moment, I will definitely freak out about the future. After all, how can I not know what I want in life?!

Being alone: One of my most intense fears which I rarely voice to anyone but did to my first therapist, is of being alone for the rest of my life. It’s become worse lately thanks to the depression. The black dog has made me feel disconnected and empty and I constantly freak out that I will end up dying alone. It’s not an alone-ness in that I need to be in a relationship but rather, just having people I can connect with. Sadly, like I said, with the depression, I’m not feeling connected at the moment.

Death: This is a funny one. It’s something I’ve always freaked out about. Death of loved ones. I’m not so fussed about my own death — although yesterday, I realised if I were to die tomorrow, there’d be a lot of books I haven’t read on my bookshelf and that’d be a very sad thing — but I do freak out about the death of others. My parents. My fur-babies. Mr Imperfect. {I kinda hope my sister will outlive me so I try not to worry about her death}. I don’t think about it all the time but when I do, it really does overwhelm me. I know it’s inevitable, and yet, I don’t know how I’d deal with it.

Are there things that freak you out?

Do share!

***Linking with Kirsty for I must confess, Jess for IBOT and Mackenzie for MG***

Until next time,

Cheers!!!

SANCH_sig1

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  • Kirsty @ My Home Truths
    June 20, 2016 at 9:50 pm

    Lots of things freak me out. Too many to mention but I do share your worries about finances. Since i left my office job I have been worried about our financial situation and even though we are getting by it does cause me constant stress. I hope you find something more satisfying workwise soon x
    Kirsty @ My Home Truths recently posted…I freak out when… #imustconfessMy Profile

  • Mackenzie Glanville
    June 20, 2016 at 10:05 pm

    I feel you here, you could have been talking about me as a child, I was scared so badly about being kidnapped or dying in house fire, I was terrified of my family dying or me dying. As an adult I still fear things, but mainly when I do something out of my comfort zone, but I push myself because I have learned that if I don’t I actually feel worse!. I also know I need to take care of myself and talk about my worries. Take care of yourself lovely, I know how hard it is to live with anxiety an depression, so be extra kind to yourself xx #mg
    Mackenzie Glanville recently posted…Divergence of the mind #mgMy Profile

  • Shailaja
    June 20, 2016 at 10:09 pm

    You want to hear a secret? I am freaking out about my writing too. It’s scary thinking about the lack of professional writing I have under my belt and sitting here doling out blogging tips and working on a memoir that may or may not sell. But you want to hear something else? You are already on the cusp of a great discovery- the acknowledgement of that fear. Very few of us get there. Now that we are, let’s find our support systems and kick this fear out of the park. Let’s do everything in our power to ensure we do our best and do a damn fine job of it too. Because, hey, you know, girl, we’re in this together. As for the other fears, take them one at a time. One at a time. Anything more and it will overwhelm you. Trust me.
    Shailaja recently posted…Father’s Day and what it means to meMy Profile

    • Katie Jenkins
      June 23, 2016 at 3:59 pm

      Such a wise and motivational comment! Love this. Shailaja, thank you for the little shot of encouragement (even though I know your comment was directed at Sanch;-)

      Hope your week is going wonderfully.

  • Ness
    June 20, 2016 at 10:43 pm

    I freak out about loved ones dying, too. I hope you find another job soon.

  • Linda
    June 20, 2016 at 10:45 pm

    When I was little I think I was afraid of a multitude of things….. monsters used to hang out at my window at bedtime, as well as under the bed. Not getting a high score on tests, not being liked, not doing enough for others, not having everything organised, my parents dying, my friends not liking me anymore. I remember standing in the kitchen when I was about 6, having gotten out of bed, and sobbing to my Mum that I didn’t want her to die yet. Strangely though, as I got a bit older, even though I was still a perfectionist, I managed to find happiness in the little things…. my pet dog, riding my bike, watching sunsets, reading my books, singing and music, riding my horse, drawing. I learned to be a lot more positive. That continued until it all got shattered by a very toxic relationship with a person who (I know now) was extremely abusive. Back then, being so naive, I didn’t understand what was happening and why. It’s taken me a good 25 years or so, and a string of toxic relationships to finally find myself again (slowly, starting about 10 years ago) with the help of a fabulous counselor and lots of hard work. It’s an ongoing story! I went through a severe stage of fearing death where I’d wake up sweating and crying in the middle of the night. This went on most nights for nearly a year a few years back. Weird. I still don’t like the idea of it, but I accept it’s gonna happen! I do freak about my Mum dying. She’s 86, and getting on. Dad passed 18 years ago, and that was hard. My partner’s Mum just passed, and it brought it all so close to home with what he’s going through. The thing that gets me through when I need it is the ‘serenity prayer’. I’m not religious, but it really helps. It’s almost my mantra. I have two friends who suffer from depression, and some days I wonder how they manage to keep going. Life’s tough at the best of times without the ‘black dog’ nipping at your heels constantly. xox

  • J.Gi Federizo
    June 20, 2016 at 11:46 pm

    I can so relate, especially, I also freak out on the adult problems you freak out on. When we were kids, we had no idea that there were worse things than losing a toy.

  • Debbie D
    June 21, 2016 at 12:07 am

    You’re not alone, Sanch. My initial response to anything that goes wrong is always panic! Thankfully, I calm down and start to think rationally after that. Death freaks me out too and is hard to accept. I’m sorry you’re suffering from depression. That will certainly add to the anxiety factor and feelings of isolation. I hope you find a more suitable job. That might ease the burden, somewhat. Good luck with your writing! You definitely have talent in that area.
    Debbie D recently posted…INTRODUCING AUTHOR ANGELIKA SCHWARZMy Profile

  • five little doves
    June 21, 2016 at 4:11 am

    I have suffered with anxiety my whole life and I freak out quite often, mainly over very irrational things but also over my family, the fear of losing someone I love. Most of my fears come from losing our second son Joseph, I think since then I have become even more freaked out about losing another of my children, the thought is just unbearable and yet I know that by worrying about it so much it is affecting our lives. Thank you for sharing this. #mg

  • Amy @ HandbagMafia
    June 21, 2016 at 8:34 am

    I can relate- anxiety is a horrible beast. I think it’s good to talk about it-takes away it’s power a little bit.

  • Sarah @sarahdipity
    June 21, 2016 at 11:16 am

    Being an anxious person myself I can definitely relate, especially death..freaks me the hell out! When I look at most f my fears they tend to all lead back to the central fear of death
    Sarah @sarahdipity recently posted…My Scoliosis Story- Part OneMy Profile

  • Hugzilla
    June 21, 2016 at 1:52 pm

    Oh mate, I hear you. The weight of adult responsibility is hard enough, without having a tendency towards anxiety. At certain times, all of these things have kept me up at night too. Love to you x

  • Rachna
    June 21, 2016 at 3:04 pm

    I am a huge worrier by nature, very hyper about things. I freak out about the smallest of things and about the larger things like being alone, something happening to family, friends, financial insecurity etc. as you’ve mentioned. In my opinion, recognising that this is a problem and then systematically handling it is important.

  • Single Mum Speaks
    June 21, 2016 at 4:43 pm

    I think we all freak out from time to time about most, if not all, of these things. For me, failure is the big one. I’m constantly worrying that I’ve already failed (usually by some arbitrary measure set by me) #mg

  • Ashleigh My Meow
    June 22, 2016 at 8:07 am

    Nodding along with these. I dream about financial security. Not being chained to a job, having to go somewhere every day. Being able to dip in and out of work. I wonder if it will ever happen. Death is something I don’t think about though. I guess it is like you are sleeping. I too was anxious as a kid. Scared of sleeping alone and would pull my eyelashes out. I tell mum she should have taken me to therapy then! It would have saved me $$$ as an adult! Looking forward to seeing you at Yoga!
    Ashleigh My Meow recently posted…Back, but not here yet…My Profile

  • Katie Jenkins
    June 23, 2016 at 4:25 pm

    Girl, we need to be friends. My anxiety most definitely sets in when thinking about or dealing with every. single. thing. you mentioned above. Fear of failure? CHECK. Death of my parents, doggies, husband, or sister? Big CHECK…I just realized I listed my dogs before my husband and sister–bwahahahaha. Eh, they’re in no particular order;-)

    I have ALWAYS been anxious when it comes to financial security. I grew up with bill collectors calling the house constantly, my mom venting to me about how overdue she was making such and such a payment, my dad working 3 low paying part time jobs to try and make ends meet, etc.

    SO when I was in 4th grade, I vowed I would never ever end up in that situation. However, instead of becoming a surgeon, or some other high paying career, I became…wait for it…a professional dancer. Goat herders make more money than me.

    I am subscribing to your blog. Excited to read more of your posts!
    Katie Jenkins recently posted…7 Reasons You’re Not Seeing Results From Your WorkoutMy Profile

  • Is the key to happiness actually found in stuffing up? - reflections from me
    June 27, 2016 at 7:23 pm

    […] On Freaking Out, by Living My Imperfect Life & […]

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